A hard raayyynnn is gonna fall.

 Physical discomfort.

Twenty years ago or so I messed up my shoulder.  I slipped walking down a flight of stairs in a punk house in Milwaukee holding an amp head. The tour had just started and by the end of it I had a hard time lifting up my arm. Acupuncture helped immensely and I have been going on and off since that injury.  

I also have some arthritis in my hip and right foot. My neck hurts in the morning if I sleep wrong and frankly I could probably use a new pillow. Overall physical discomfort is how I feel about 2025. 

There were some bright spots juxtaposed amongst the black holes and that gawd-damn dumpster fire that burns like the Olympic flame. Twenty years of marriage, kid starting high school,  hanging with friends and family- bright spots.

I bought the kid a stuffed Rudolph (the red nosed reindeer) about 11 years ago and the selling point was that if you squeezed it it would play the song. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. 

A few years ago the songs stopped, or so we thought and it was just a holiday stuffy. When we were decorating for X-mas I squeezed ol' Rudolph and a very faint sound came out of him. Me and the kid recorded it and I added a video to it. I feel like it is a good addition to the soundtrack saying goodbye to 2025.

Stay safe. You are not alone.

What a long strange trip it's been

Another post. Another loss.

I am up early this morning. Later today instead of protesting I will be with community to celebrate a soul who is no longer with us.

I met him when I was in 11th grade. He was friends with one of my friends and we became hi in the hallway acquaintances. By the end of my senior year there was a Mad Dog Brotherhood with a core group of people that would play tag in the middle of the night in a park. A driving game was created (not sure who made it up) where you would have to turn right at a stop sign, left at a green light, and so on. I think to win you would  have to pass Tommy’s. Tommy’s was/is a place where you will need to have a Pepcid after you eat there. A bunch of us played music so there was lots of support for each other’s creative endeavors. The summer after my senior year was a whirlwind of constant hang outs, adventures and shenanigans.

A few years after graduating high school, relationship changes, and general restlessness me, him, and another friend (who unfortunately has a post on my blog when he died) decided to move to San Francisco. We had no money and no idea what we were doing. But we did it. My mom took a photo of us in the Sentra, U-Haul attached as we drove away. I found it the other day and a picture never felt so heavy.

He only lived in SF a short time before his journey continued to Seattle, Sebastopol, and eventually Santa Cruz.

Looking back at letters he wrote me, texts we had sent each other, and general sad face memory lane I realized something about the both of us. We both value the connections and relationships we have with people. The interactions are not just transactional. The ebbing and flowing that is life is just part of the grand scheme how people come and go in your personal parking spot. The connections you make can have impact that one may never really come to realize. There are different kinds of connections. Too many to go into this silly blog, that help the emotional ice sculptor that you are trying to keep from melting. Caring about people is a full time job especially if you are trying to care about yourself. My friend thought time was a construct and though I didn’t find that charming when he was 2 hours late to my wedding, I understood that the music he was dancing to was his own. He also knew that I loved him for him.

I would go months sometimes years without seeing him in person and the minute we were in each other’s space it was like no time had passed. There wasn’t a sense of having to “catch up” because we were connecting on a spiritual plane during our REM cycle.

On a trip to Arizona to see the Dead, he conveniently fell asleep at dawn, so I had to drive into the sunrise the entire way there. On the way back since I was driving (again) I decided that we could only listen to the best of Janis Joplin for 5 hours.  He embraced it and 6 months later a biography of Janis Joplin with a thoughtful note appeared in my mailbox.

I will miss your snake oil salesman, mobius strip surfer, ridiculous historian aura and the joke you aren't sharing behind your smile. You had so many nicknames and lived in many dimensions on this planet we call Earth. I know you will always be in the ether.

 

Do you have the time to listen to me whine? About nothin and everything all at once.

2025. Well- here we are.

How do I tackle 2025?

Do I put my head in the sand?

Stay clear of all social media?

Riot?

Protest everyday?

Boycott everything?

Get well fitted blinders?

Lobotomy?

Here is the thing. I want balance in my life. There are things I can control and so many things I cannot.

So maybe a little of everything is in order.

Already I have set the bar very low for 2025. 

But not for myself. 

Professionally and artistically I am working on projects and trying to get the best work possible out of me. 

Hopefully this year the book I co-edited will be coming out (some really good stuff in it if you are into academic librarianship), I am co-moderating a round table at a conference, and will be looking for call outs for  book chapters. It has been awhile and I think I am due to write some more on the profession I love.  I will continue to kick ass at work and serve students at 150%.

I have also decided to take some classes so I can work with other mediums and create art (mosaics, knitting), make more puppet videos, and get some music projects going. Oh yeah, and write. Fiction? Maybe. I dunno maybe start a writer group or something. Not sure still workshopping this endeavor.

To be able to have balance in my life I think  some days I will have to  have my head in the sand, be free of social media, and give myself a temporary lobotomy with popcorn tv binges. Other days I will participate and add my voice of dissent, and do other duties as needed to start a revolution.

The world is whackadoodle these days. War. Hate. Distrust. Garbage people in power. The works (shitty works!).  

Lucky for me I have a rad kid and an awes husband who are there for me to help me put my head in the sand or walk beside me during a protest.

Good luck to all of us.

You don't have to answer me. You don't have to call me back. Your phone's off the hook...

It is no secret that X is my favorite. 

The first time I saw X was in 1987 and I have seen them between 1-3 times (just about) every year since.

I also enjoy many of their solo projects as well as, their other bands.

For the past 9 years or so I get sad the next morning following one of their shows. Why you ask?

Because I think it will be the last time I see them live. 

This past year they released their final album and did a final tour to support it. I am lucky enough to live in the same state as 3 of the 4 members so X will still probably have shows close (enough) to me. They typically do a handful of X-mas shows (I know, clever) every December in my neighborhood. 

For the past 40 plus years I have seen them open for Willie Nelson, Psychedelic Furs, B52s, Jerry Harrison & Adrien Belew, and Squeeze. I have seen them play with Jane's Addiction (yep, when they opened for X), Blasters, Los Lobos, Bad Religion, Social Distortion, Detroit Cobras, Rollins Band, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Primus, Iggy Pop, and soooooo many others.

These are not young people John Doe and Billy are in their seventies and Exene and DJ are both 68. 
Last night when they were ripping up the stage in Berkeley it gave me hope that as long as I do my stretches and eat right I will still be as nimble as them. My husband referred to one as being still quite nimble. I would love for that to be a word used to describe me at 70.

Music keeps me sane, whether I am playing it, listening to it, or experiencing it live. 

X's music and live shows have been a consistent for almost my entire life. 

Last night my kid went to the show with me. I am glad they got to see them live. Because it might be...

You can't write if you can't relate. Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate. And my time is a piece of wax falling on a termite. That's choking on the splinters.

Dump truck won again. Gross. Just gross. 

So much hate. 

It is so sad that people do not want to have a female president. Someone said to me that they thought her voice was annoying. Really? She seems like a bitch. Really? 

So a straight (rich) white man who has said horrible things about women, disabled people, and many different ethnic groups. He is the better choice?

Hated on veterans. Vowed revenge on people who have "wronged" him. He is the better choice?

These are totally acceptable things because the other candidate has an unappealing voice. 

A friend wrote something that I appreciated on a social media post this morning asking how people who consider themselves Christian can vote for dump truck. I would like to extend that to people who have a vagina. 

It is your right (for now) to vote. 

As an educator I am nervous about the dismantling of the department of education. As a parent I am concerned for my daughter's rights. As a bird watcher I am worried about the environment. As a person I am anxious about the fate of humanity.

Though I am feeling hopeless at the moment, I believe I will get my optimism back.

But it will probably take awhile.

Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waitin' for a train...

 Kris Kristofferson passed away recently and I started to think about what I knew him from and how I got to know him as an artist.

I had always liked his acting choices- Convoy, Heaven's Gate, (of course) Star is Born, Silver City, Lonestar, Blade Trilogy (don't judge, I really like those movies), and Big Top Pee Wee.  In his younger days he could really rock an unbuttoned shirt and his quiet demeanor made him a kick ass vampire hunter. 

To me he is in the Sam Elliot catagory of acting- interesting on screen to watch and always with a little shadow of mystery surrounding them. 

For his music besides writing "Me and Bobby McGee," I really didn't know much about his music. 

The Highwaymen was my first introduction really (besides his songs in Star is Born) and though I was a little late to the party I kind of got it. I watched a PBS concert fundraiser drive thing and it was really good. I saw that he was playing with the pros and killing it. I ended up purchasing their music, but not delving into his discography. I liked the collaboration, but at the time wasn't interested in going deeper into their individual catalogs. 

I got my undergraduate degree through a weekend program. Once a month I would have class for 16 hours. I had a friend in my class who I ate lunch with and got to know really well. Side note- sad that we lost touch, I really liked this person. Anywho, she and I were sitting eating our lunch at some cafe on Valencia Street and we were talking about amazing shows we had seen and she mentioned that one of her most memorable was Kris Kristofferson at the Great American Music Hall. The show sounded amazing and I always kept that information in the back of my mind.

Life traveled on and I would see him on venue calendars now and again, but it was never the right time. 

I was in grad school and broke (his tickets tended to be a bit pricey), I was not in grad school still kind of broke and other shows looked more interesting to attend, had a baby and what limited free time I had Kris Kristofferson wasn't on the menu. This was until he was on the bill of the Roadshow Revival. It was a Johnny Cash revival type festival in Ventura. The bill was The Blasters, Lee Rocker, X, and Kris Kristofferson. It is no secret that I am a super fan of X (and a pretty big fan of the Blasters) so even though I was 7 months pregnant I was still game to go to the show see bands I love and FINALLY get to see Kris Kristofferson. I had missed out on seeing Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings (have seen Willie a few times), so I was excited to cross Kristofferson off the must see list. 

Holy cow. What a boring show. He stopped a song to start it over SLOWER than it how they had started it. He kind of mumble sang his lyrics. The band was uninteresting and the highlight was when some para-gliders passed by behind the stage.  My hope is that we got him on a super off night. I can't blame it on my very swollen ankles because the mood around us while we were watching was "what the hell is going on?"

It was such a boring and lackluster show that I have never forgotten it. The unmemorable-ness has made it memorable to me and the husband. The set seemed super long and also only like 4 songs. Kris Kristofferson created his own vortex that the crowd fell into and was only released when he had to retune his guitar and play a different song? I dunno. It was sure something. 

Thanks Kris Kristofferson. 

I am one bend away. I am one step away from the precipice of crazy. I am holding all the pieces in place.

 I am really into bands/artists from Australia and New Zealand.

I have probably written about this before because my down under obsession has been going on for some time now.

My first run-in was the movie Starstruck. It is a typical early 1980s new wave movie about a group of kids wanting to be rockstars. There is a local competition (on TV that is how the whole town will see them), some prize money, love interest, and a great soundtrack.

I discovered the Swingers. They were in the movie (which I saw on Night Flight) and I want to say I saw their music video on Video One with Richard Blade. Totally hooked. Phil Judd would depart the Swingers and start Split Enz with the Finn brothers. Ooooooh how I love the Finn brothers (still mad I didn't get tickets for Crowded House at the Fox). From here I seamlessly became fans of the bigger names Midnight Oil, INXS (The Swing is their best record if you ask me), AC/DC, and Men at Work. Then I moved to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, The Cruel Sea, and Hunters and Collectors. I was shocked later in life to find out that The Little River Band are also Aussies. Have YOU heard about the lonesome loser? Beatin' by the queen of hearts every time. And of course we can't forget Air Supply. 

I have a fond memory of me and my friend driving back from the Spoleto festival (we saw Damon Albarn Gorillaz symphony - epic) and since she had a doctorate in musicology and I was getting my master's in musicology and we were coming from an amazing musical experience it is not a shock that our conversation turned to music. I asked her what her favorite band was from down under and she without even taking a beat said Air Supply. We listened to their ultimate collection and live in Tokyo recordings back-to-back for the rest of the drive home.

But this isn't really what I wanted to write about...I was with a friend the other day and they were processing some drama they are going through and they said to me quite glibly (is that a word?) that I didn't have problems. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but as I was going to sleep last night that is all I could think about. Does this person really think that? If so, fuck you. But also, thanks? Perhaps I don't have "problems" in the area of their drama? What one might think is not a problem is to others. You know kind of like someone's trash is another one's treasure. Is there some secret qualifier chart to what can be considered a problem? I am not one to throw up my "problems" on people (though there are some lucky folks who have worn my emotional vomit on their shirts) so it may appear that I do not have problems. I think it was a throw away line, but it got me thinking about personality masks.

 There are people that I have known, heck even related to that I have no idea really what they are feeling. I am positive that they have and had problems (issues, situations, difficulties, worries) but they did not share them out to me at all. I think that there are also folks who are more comfortable with sharing out problems, issues, situations, difficulties, and worries. This is not a judgment, just an observation.  With the check-ins (usually a quick text) that I do (since 5 of my friends died) with my chosen family, it is all about effort. You do what you have the capacity for... I am always available to be a shoulder, ear, soundboard, or whatever for people I care about. Even when I am having a problem. But sometimes I feel like the song I chose for the title of this blog. Not today. But some days.

The band is (you guessed it) from Australia. They are called the Middle Kids and this song is a favorite on John Richard's show on KEXP, my drive time listen. And if you live in the bay area can now listen to on the radio proper at  92.7. I know. Old school.

You are not alone. 

And the sky was made of amethyst and all the stars were just like little fish...

 The album "Live Through This," by Hole came out 30 years ago today.

I know every note on that record. I can play many of the songs on guitar and/or bass and for 36 months it was one on HEAVY rotation in my musical soundscape. 1994 was a good year for my record collection, besides the Hole record others were:

Bakesale, Sebadoh

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain, Pavement

Mellow Gold, Beck

There's Nothing Wrong with Love, Built to Spill

Grace, Jeff Buckley

Weezer S/T (Blue Record)

Strangers from the Universe, Thinking Feelers Union 282

Foolish, Superchunk

Ill Communication, Beastie Boys

The Coup, Genocide and Juice

The Crow soundtrack

Ruby Vroom, Soul Coughing

American Thighs, Veruca Salt

and of course Dookie by Green Day.

These are of course the bigger artists. 1994 was filled with small club musical experiences of all kinds of genres and that could be a separate blog post. San Francisco 1994 was filled with music of all sonic shapes and sizes.

"Live Through This" is probably first for me. I don't listen to it much, but when I do it instantly brings me back to a time and place emotionally. Living in SF, playing music with one of my musical heartbeats, and becoming an adult. 

A friend of mine from a thousand years ago came back into my life recently- thanks Instagram. And they asked me the other day if there are songs that I lose myself in and I have to say that "Violet," gets me every time. I understood the lyrics, I felt the lyrics. They were very similar to what I was writing in my journals at that time. Uncertain confidence. Naive and reckless. Scared and fierce. Goldfish memories.  Slow motion reality.  Friends. Romance. Laughs. Tears. Lots of drugs and alcohol. That is how I remember 1994.

Happy Anniversary to all the music of 1994.

I'm buried in this house, I'll never leave the floor. A page full of je t'aimes for you, I know I should have said it more.

 Looking back on a lot of my blog posts, I saw that death was what stirred my insides to write. I have been tippa-type-a on this blog business for the past decade(+) or so and the last 6 years for sure have been about loss. So. much. loss.

ANYWHO

When I was in my 20s, I wrote a lot about love. How love made me happy, crazy, sad, frustrated, depressed, resigned, kinda angry (and vague) and lost. 

I re-watched La La Land the other day. Parts of the movie resonate with me.

 Got me thinking - Do reconnections with old flames work out? What about reconnections from people of your past that maybe were not old flames, but part of your history. Do those relationships work out?

There is a fire (at least there was for me) when you are young that is often hard to contain and the people you share it with know how to hold it, smother it, fan it, and/or try to put it out. Now I am not saying that you can't have this later in life or anything. It is maybe because love the romantic kind is new to the 20 something psyche and it feels like "they do in the movies." So when you reconnect with someone from your past, there is a shared history, and a comforting context that sparks the flames again. 

All love stories can be great and can happen whenever, I believe that. 

But so many expire, fall away, or wash out with the tide. 

 A quick anecdote-

I have a friend who has had lots of serious love relationships. I asked her how is able to fall in love so much. Her answer to me was, "I believe in and never give up on love."  Huh. Okay back to La La Land...

When Mia goes through the "what if" montage when she is in the club and hears the tune I get that. I am always going to love you. Well done movie, you captured a moment that resonates with how I would describe a love scenario.

The romantification of it all is why La La Land works and why it is frustrating. It is like it is a love letter to love itself.  The part that works. The feeling that is left is one of ambiguity. The frustrating part. I am a person who needs a little more closure in a movie. I do like it though- the beauty, sadness, hope, forgiveness, and "what-ifs."

But I don't sit idly by... I'm planning a big surprise... I'm gonna fight for what I wanna be...

What a year. 

I realized I haven't done much blogging and I am okay with it.

Short-handed at work. Editing a book. Moving (yeah, we got a new place). 

Now we are deep into the holidays.

Life is busy and I am okay with it.

I spend more time in the car with my commute and so we have Sirius XM radio. Of course, I am a fan of the 1st Wave channel (#richardbladeforever) and the 70s channel. I listen to SiriusXMU to compliment listening to KEXP and listening to Pitchfork.com playlists, sometimes they play older indie hits. This popped up and I blasted it and started scream singing.

This record was a staple for me for at least a decade and "Waiting Room" is one of Fugazi's best tunes.

It felt good to be with the song. It brought back feelings and an energy that I sometimes miss.

The kid is really into the 1980s (especially the new wavers) and we listen to a lot of music from my youth which I totally don't mind. And I understand why people as they get older listen to the music that is familiar to them. Though I do my best to keep up with some new music, thanks Pitchfork, Brooklyn Vegan, and college radio.

This time of year is filled with all kinds of feelings. Missing friends and  family (okay, my grandmother) who are no longer of this earth. Dancing with the ghosts of Christmas past, drinking mulled wine with Christmas present ghost (I don't like mulled wine, but I dislike egg nog even more), and wondering what the ghost of Christmas future has in store for me.

A quick dance-

I loved living in San Francisco when I was in my 20s (and some of my 30s).

The other night we were in SF and as we were driving around at night, I felt reminiscent of living there and going out to see shows or having drinks at one of the million bars we went to -

Zeitgeist

Kilowatt- shows and a great bar!

Dr. Bombays

Drunk Tank

The Bitter End

Would You Believe? Cocktails

Toronado

The Gold Cane

Sadie's Flying Elephant

Plough and the Stars

Expansion

Lucky 13

Latin American

Orbit Room

Rat and Raven

Lexington

Dalva

End Up

Albion

Molotovs (or Midtown when it is was a better bar)

Purple Onion

Trocadero

Nightbreak, Thirsty Suede, Nightbreak

Boomerrang

Chameleon

El Rio

Lone Palm

Trad'r Sams

The Mint

Chances (later The Page)

There are more I am sure I am missing.

Whew! I used to drink a lot.

I don't do much bar-hoppin' these days.

I wonder- How many of these places are still around?

So far this holiday season has been nice and low stress (keep it up!) and the holiday spirits are suggesting to me that a few new traditions start in our household.

2024 is looking like it will be jam packed with a b'mitzvah, travel, lots of working, and hopefully a lot of laughs.

Maybe I will blog more in 24. 

 

You load 16 tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt. St. Peter, don't you call me 'cause I can't go--- I owe my soul to the company store...

Oakland. Oakland. Oakland. 

We have been looking at buying a house in Oakland on and off for about a year. It is frustrating for a variety of reasons. Not a lot of inventory, price(s), mortgage rates, blah, blah, blah all the stuff you read about in the news. 

This experience (so far) I have come away with some take-aways LIKE-

house stagings vary A LOT

"needs work" can mean anything from $10,000 to $300,000 in repairs

photos can be deceiving

realtor apps are amazing

you don't have to read every single word of a disclosure

open all doors

look out of all the windows

look up- example- went to a place the other day and the bathroom had been redone and there was a funky ceiling panel with weird fuzzy stuff coming out of it.

and down- example- there was a house that had a buckling floor in the corners of multiple rooms.

look at who your potential neighbors will be- examples 

    there was a place that had a hoarder next door, I can still see the broken Christmas lawn ornaments, half pitched tents, and 3 mowers on the front lawn

    another place had no parking (red flag) and the realtor said in passing at the open house that there was some discussion about the side yard with the neighbor- the side yard was filled with junk as was the front yard of the next door neighbor

Another major factor is that semi-decent places go over asking. Months ago places were going WAY over, now not so much, but they still are going over.  I don't get it, I understand it, but I don't get it.

And maybe it is because of the Idon'tknowhowmanyhouses we have looked at I only every think about 2. One that went over 100,000 over asking the other one was at the beginning of our journey and we didn't know what we were doing. 

Oakland is my home and I don't have any interest in living anywhere else. So fingers crossed that we find a place. But I am realistic and know that we may be renters for the foreseeable future.

Oh, drawn into the stream. Of undefined illusion, those diamond dreams. They can't disguise the truth...

 Our lil' g'ma gummers left this earth recently.

I got her as a wedding present for the husband. She was with us for almost 18 years. 

Such a complicated kitty cat. 

For the first handful of years of her life she didn't like women and a few select men. She insisted on licking the back of my husband's head. I know, gross. I was useful only when sleeping (we "shared" a pillow) and at feeding time.

Loretta loved my husband. He often did not meet her expectations. She wasn't afraid to let him know when she wasn't satisfied with a particular situation (like not sitting the correct way for her to sit the way she liked in his lap) or when he would not put our space heater on fast enough. 

Loretta was into the sun and the heater. Any sun that came in through the window would be occupied by her. Later in life when she could hang out on the back porch and not jump the baby gate, she very much enjoyed her outside sun time. She would sit so close to the heater that her hair would fall out. The last weekend she was with us, we put the electric blanket out for her. It was a happy place. 

Forever the softest kitty in the world. I will miss cleaning up the sand castles you would make with cat litter, your paws on my face at 3am, and your demanding purring. 

Say hi to Andy for us.

My first love. You're every breath that I take. You're every step I make...

Monday was my 18th wedding anniversary. Holy smokes! 

So, to celebrate(?) I am writing about love songs.

I am first to admit that I do not have my finger on the pulse of popular music anymore. I mean, I know who people are and I do know stuff (I really like Idles, and Fontaines DC). But I don't know if I could identify a FKA twigs song and I definitely couldn't tell you the name of anything that Suki Waterhouse has released. So, it will be a surprise to no one that my top 10 love song list will not contain any songs of the past few years. And probably some Lionel Richie.

Honorable mentions- Fall on Me, REM and Maps, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, When I'm With You, Sheriff, and anything by Air Supply

In making this list I realized that I could make an entire John Hughes movie AND Phil Collins post(s) about love songs. But not in the love-love way. Un-requited love. Lost love. Forbidden love. Of course, all through the scope of a teenager Erica Watson. So, when I started thinking about this blog post I took the first 13 that I wrote down. And Air Supply. Because I am not sure where one Air Supply stops and the next one begins. Below is my list with the lyrics that get me every time.

10. You Are, Lionel Richie 

                You are the sun, you are the rain, that makes my life this foolish game

9. Eternal Flame, The Bangles

                  Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling. Do you feel my heart beating?

                   Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming?

SO MANY QUESTIONS!          

8. Take My Breath Away, Berlin

                    Watching in slow motion as you turn to say, my love, take my breath away

7. Tender Love, Force MDs

                    Loving me straight from the heart

6. Beautiful Ones, Prince

                    Do you want him? Or do you want me? Cause I want you! I said I want you.

MORE QUESTIONS

5. Endless Love, Diana Ross and Lionel Richie

                    I can't resist your charms

4. I Will Always Love You, Dolly Parton (Whitney Houston version and John Doe version)

                    But above all this, I wish you love

3. Golden State, John Doe

                    You are the lump in my throat...I am that falling sensation

2. Melt With You, Modern English

                    There's nothing you and I won't do

1. At Last, Etta James

                    My lonely days are over, and life is like a song

Looking at my list I guess I am/was really drawn to movie soundtrack love songs.

I couldn't tell you exactly where the Berlin song was in Top Gun, but I do remember liking the video a lot. "Tender Love," is the main love scene between the main character Blair Underwood (?) and Sheila E. A lot of back kissing. "Endless Love," I am pretty sure I did not see that movie until a TV time version was released and I just looked up the plot and honestly don't remember anything about it except the movie poster. 

"I Will Always Love You," has multiple entry points of me loving it- (jumping on the highest mountain top and yelling I love the movie The Bodyguard!) Whatever. Costner? Houston? 199whatever? Perfection. The first time I saw that movie was at a friend's house on VHS. It was pure magic. My buddy made fun of it. I probably cried and got teased about it. In the scene where Frank and Rachel are at the honky tonk type restaurant bar eating and talking (sparks are flying!) and then they dance to the John Doe version of "IWALY." Cinematic GOLD! Discovering the song years later when I became obsessed with Dolly Parton (she wrote it and recorded it in the 70s- huge hit) a few years later. And then in the 2000s when I was in a production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. There is a part in the play where this song is mentioned. Folks from that production (one of the best times I have ever had making music and performing) are gone now, so I think of them too. 

Purple Rain, the movie, was the summer of 1985 on cable and the performance scene "Beautiful Ones" cemented my love of Prince. 

Valley Girl. Enough said.

 

The other tunes- You Are. It was the summer of a long time ago and I was deep into listening to love songs on (pause) the kost. Most were a slow to slow-mid tempo and Lionel (Richie) comes out with "You Are." It was a little fast for love songs on (pause) the kost and so it stuck out to me. And really Lionel Richie has so many love tunes. He is an American treasure. 

John Doe is my favorite. Forever. "Golden State," is one of my favorites when he plays it, and it is a me-type love song. I think it is one of the songs that my husband heard of his and thought "oh, I get it" when it comes to my super fandom.

The last tune is "At Last." Kind of cheesy, yes. But it was the song me and the hus danced to at our wedding. It wasn't our first pick (that also could be another blog post), but it was the right one.

Happy anniversary jerk face. You are the lump in my throat...

 

I could see it was a rough cut Tuesday...

 It is 2023 and I have decided to not start the year off with a blog post about death.

What is going on with the cover of "Freeze Frame" by the J. Geils Band? 

I did some light internet research and could not find much about the artist/creator of this whack-a-doodle image. In fact, the album, states that the cover art is by J. Geil's Band. On the back, the photograph is of the band in painter's clothes. The lyric sleeve inside the record has a hand paint print. So maybe they did create the cover.

So let's talk about this cover.

A silver potato guy with a human nose, and glasses. The potato guy is looking at a frame that has spaghetti, lips (coming off the frame), martini glass, an eyeball, and some words. 

Charade

Limbo

L'more

Mr. E

escape

 and some sssssssss.

And what is the person three-eyed thing? A remote control?

Is this the J.Geil's Band interpretation of the 1980s?

They started in the late 1960s and had a few hits in the 1970s, but it was their albums in the early 1980s that they had their most success. 

Trying to think of what they were thinking. Is this their interupation of where the 1980s are going? 

J Geils version of post modernism. Maybe? The EPCOT of rock music.

Kind of like Dokken and Krokus wearing makeup in their music videos. 

I just watched the Freeze Frame video and the potato-head guy smokes in it and writes memories twice.

What the heck does this all mean?

And if you're up there you'll perceive -That my heart's here upon my sleeve -If there's one thing I don't believe in...

I miss my dead friends.

Because I miss them, I am thinking about the friends I have that are living. 

Sometimes I feel helpless because of all the loss. I am not particularly close to much of my born into family- so friends=family.

Helplessness is no joke and the worst for someone who considers themself an optimist.

To make sure that my helplessness doesn't take over I have had to adapt recently to a few things. It is no secret, nor will anyone dispute this that I am one of the keepers of "the family." For years (I mean years) I have been negotiating everyone's communication (or lack thereof) styles. It unfortunately is a trigger to the helplessness, so I have had to take a back seat and not feed the fire of lackadaisical communication. Now to be clear I am not ghosting anyone or anything. Just not worrying about making sure everyone is in the loop about whatever… 

After Ian died, I wrote letters to 18 people. I wanted to make sure that they knew stuff. Now I am seriously considering throwing them away. There are 2 reasons for this -I was in a dark place and so sad that I didn’t get out of bed for two days and I should enjoy the friendships where they are at in the moment. 

I know some really fantastic people. Why wait until I am dead for them to read some shit, I wrote 2 months after my platonic soulmate died? Or worse they will die before me, and the emotional empty hole will get bigger.

I miss my dead friends. For the friends who are still living I will reach out to them and say hi and check in to see how they are doing. Send them silly texts. And cards, damn it I love greeting cards. Make plans for visits.

Much of my born-into family makes little to no effort to see me (or my kid, husband), (I know people are busy life is time consuming) and it has taken years to understand that it is okay that they don’t have much interest in my or my family’s life. Though I don’t think it is harsh as that with my friends, I can sit with the idea that people want/need different things and even though we may not hang out or talk very much that the relationships still matter. Even if it is steeped in nostalgia there are still fibers that contribute our friendship fabric. The tapestry (yeah, I am going for it) of my friends is rich, vibrant, and complicated. 

Wouldn’t have it any other way.

Do you know how many time zones there are in the Soviet Union? Eleven. It's not even funny.

When my friend Ian died words poured out and my sadness was so severe. To say devastated might be a stretch, but I was broken. With my friend Mike's passing. I saw it coming. He had health issues that were obvious to me were not going to get better. I am totally sad, don't get me wrong, I am a different kind of sad.

He always chose his words carefully, so I am going to try and do the same. 

 Tumbleweed. Kerosene. Hairbeard. Jesse Tierra.

Heading out to an evening on a wedding cruise, my mom - "You don't need a coat?"

M- "When you look this good, you don't get cold."

Asking for a check at a restaurant, "Flog her dress and give her an egg."

Talking about music, "You know Johnny Cochran's song, don't step on my blue suede---cat."

After seeing the Residents, "The Residents get me."

Eating pizza at 10am being (a little) hungover watching 9 episodes of Law and Order in a row.

 M and my husband building/putting together shelves and tables. Moving furniture when I had crazy eyes.

Dead shows.

Riding around in the E Ticket.

Picking him up from school in my maroon 1977 Toyota Celica, blasting "Nellie the Elephant," and eating at Naugles/Del Taco.

Making sure he didn't oversleep and miss my wedding, for which he was a groomsman.

Packing up his apartment in San Diego and arguing with another friend about not throwing away an old wooden spoon. 

M calling me on the phone telling me he would be coming to San Francisco to visit in a day or two and showing up 2 weeks later.

Mike telling me he was in love.

Long talks at the kitchen table.

Many Halloweens.

These are just a few snippets of the past 35 years of friendship with my chosen brother, Mike. 

My friend Mike was not an easy person. The complexities of his world view, always thinking he had one last card to play, and his unwillingness to get "it" wrong made for some personal and professional challenges. He didn't want  people to see him vulnerable and did not like to ask for assistance. His cowboy-ness was incredibly charming and frustrating in the same breath. His scientific mind made him weird in the best possible way and also often prevented him from appreciating nuance and shooting from the hip. He could always make me laugh and never fed me a fake I am busy line to help me with a project. 

I miss you -chosen brother. 

I have been listening to Negativland a lot. So I will end this transmission.

Because man, nobody is perfect. 

A million lights are dancing and there you are, a shooting star. An everlasting world and you're here with me, eternally...

I did not start off this blog to write about death. It just kind of happened, I guess.

ONJ left us yesterday.

Olivia Newton John has been in my life since I was about 8 years old. 

Dancing to "Totally Hot" at massive sleepovers at my friend's house.

Seeing Grease in the theatre multiple times.

Seeing Xanadu in the theater even more times. 

Watching the TV special of the ONJ's "Physical"  video album. She created videos for all of the songs.  I think it won a Grammy. 

Two of a Kind.

A Christmas Wish.

I know every lyric on "Xanadu," "Grease," and "Totally Hot."

No matter how punk rock I was, ONJ was totally acceptable to like. Where I might have had to hide my love of Spandau Ballet, ONJ was a-ok. 

Xanadu is not the best movie in the world and I know at the time of the release it was not well received. My 10 year old self thought it was a masterpiece. I mean ONJ, roller skating, Gene muthafukin Kelly,  Michael Beck (Warriors, come out to play), and ELO soundtrack?!?! CINEMATIC GOLD. 

I am a fan of soundtracks and there are some great ones out there. I would have to say that start to finish- Xanadu, Grease and Purple Rain are the ones that I have listened to the most.

Oh Olivia. I will miss you. Thank you for your music, philanthropy, and rad fashion in Xanadu and Two of a Kind. 

Is he a dot, or is he a speck? When he's underwater does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows, Particle man.

 I am glad that I am vaccinated and double boosted. I am sure my Covid infection would have been so much worse. And if I may give a shout out to masks?  The other two in the house did not get the 'rona. Our place is tiny and with me in isolation and all of us masking (they work!) it appears that I am the only one who got infected. I am pretty convinced that I either got it on my latest flight (I was masked) or at the event I attended -1000 seats. I was masked, most were not. This varient is sneaky, even though I am fresh off the Covid train, I will still be masked indoors around a lot of people. 

Even though I didn't feel too bad physically, it did a number on me emotionally. It was like the last 2 plus years of anxiety were pushed out of my brain and through my sinuses. The worst PMS ever without the cramps or the salt cravings. Whew! I am still recovering from it. 

My psyche is a faberge egg on a good day. Add Covid. Quarantine. Paranoid about getting your family sick. And not being sick enough to sleep all day?! There are some dark places in there. My lil' optimist self is afraid of the dark. 

Lately (before the 'rona and my emotional Blair Witch Project) I have been trying to quiet my mind and meditate. Not sure I am getting it right. There are a lot of apps (SO MANY APPS) and I have been playing around with some of the freebies. My buddy told me that if you have Kaiser you can get the Calm app premium for free. I am getting it. The same buddy also introduced me to ginger shots. I love them. I love them so much. They may be snake oil, but I swear they make me feel better. 

For the past 35 years I have gone to see therapists. On and off. Not a constant thing. I treat my mental health issues as they come. I use tools that I have learned to work on it and sometimes I need to call in a professional. I have suffered from depression. Had anxiety attacks. Extreme sadness. Manic behaviors. The works. 

Don't for to take care of yourselves. 

Ginger shots. Detox Keto pills. Yoga. Running.  Hiking. Ice Cream. Law and Order reruns. Whatever it takes to help you cope with this crazy business we call show. Dontcha know me Kansas City? You can't tear me down.

You are not alone.

Body, I am not an animal. Body, I am not an animal...

I am not surprised that Roe v Wade was overturned. It has been in the making for years.

There are so many reasons that it should not have been overturned...practical first.

This does not mean there will be easy access to birth control. Quite the opposite.

This decision will impact poor citizens and people of color. Because, y'know, Republicans hate poor people, impoverished people of color. 

Eliminating abortions will force women to have babies and funding for social services will be vital. It will rest on the states. As I am writing this Missouri has banned all abortions and I am sure they are in the process making sure that social safety nets are being...yeah, prolly not.

Oppression next.

Controlling women's bodies. Institutional sexism. Institutional racism. It is all there.

I also have some questions.

If it is immoral to have an abortion then isn't also immoral to shoot a bunch of strangers?

So no abortions and strict gun laws?

Since the 1980s abortions have been declining (some of this due to day after pills) and this begs the question-

Does anyone ever really want to get an abortion? 

From my personal experience, I answer this question with a solid unapologetic no. 

Is getting an abortion something I regret? None of your business.

Was the decision to terminate a pregnancy really hard to make? None of your business.

I am not pro-abortion, I am pro-choice. It is a personal choice.

The "funny" thing about all this is that many of these people who don't want you to terminate a pregnancy also don't want to wear a mask. 

Dummies.

Follow me into the desert , as thirsty as you are...

 For the past 28 years, I have had a crush on Seattle and the Pacific Northwest.

KEXP the indie radio station in Seattle celebrates 50 years of music programming and plays music from a year on Wednesdays. Today it was 1991. Dang! 

1991 was a good year for music and the same year I moved out on my own. I did not leave my great state of California, but I did travel north. Don't get me wrong I consider the Bay Area my home, but I have thought often about going farther north. Before I got my forever job, I applied every couple of months to jobs in the Seattle area. Every time I am there I play a soundtrack in my head- Sunny Day Real Estate, Taco Cat,  Soundgarden, Modest Mouse, Band of Horses, Gruntruck, Harvey Danger, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Mudhoney, Death Cab/Postal Service, and of course Nirvana and P. Jam. If we are driving then I will start my extended soundtrack in the Portland area with Heatmiser/Elliot Smith, Hazel, Dead Moon, Decemberists, and as we continue up I-5 Sleater-Kinney, Excuse 17, Bikini Kill, Godsheadsilo, Bratmobile, Quasi, and I could go on, but you get the idea.

None of these bands live in my favorite band category, but they do get honorable mentions because of their location. 

I am also way more aware of past, present, and future releases of labels from the PNW. SubPop, Barsuk, K, KRS, Hush Hush, Youth Riot, and so on. Years ago I made a conscious decision to invest in record labels. Explore their catalogs. Yep Roc, not out of the Seattle area, consistently puts out great records. FYI. Annnnnywho...

I spent a fair amount of time in the Seattle area in the 90s, some in the 00s, and multiple trips a year for the past 8 years.  So I know that I am not enamored of a town that no longer exists. Yes, there are places that are gone: Velvet Elvis, OK Hotel, the woman-owned burrito place by the Six Arms (which is still there, I think- LOVED that bar), Bop Records, and the really cool punk rock record store somewhere near the troll. With that being said I can still go to Vivace, Archie McPhees, and Cafe Flora. Plus there is always something new. I have also got to experience and enjoy other parts of the Seattle area (Ballard, West Seattle, Burien, White Center). A few years ago we spent a few days on Fox Island, which is in the southern part of the sound. So beautiful. We saw so many bald eagles. Fantastic. 

Maybe someday I will move up to the PNW. Perhaps that is where me and the husbando will retire to. Until then I will look forward to my visits.