There comes a time- When we heed a certain call- When the world must come together as one...

I have two bird feeders now. 

Life in the time of COVID-19.

I have been doing my best to keep me and my family sane. 

It is now spring break and me and the kid have the week off.  Not going down the information superhighway hole has been tough and man, oh man-eating carbs during a crisis tastes sooooo good. 

Some things we have been doing and will do to stay sane.

Take a shower and wear more than one pair of workout pants. Last week I had a bunch of Zoom meetings for work, so I had to at least from the waist up look like I had not just rolled out of bed. This week since I don't plan on seeing anyone except people I pass on the street 6 feet away from me or the folks at the store (and let's be honest, Piedmont Grocery has seen me in these outfits before), I have to make an effort to clean myself.  

We have done some Facetime/Skype(s) with some friends and family and I am going to extend that this week. It helps me to see people. 

I found a bunch of Christmas cards, so I was thinking of sending those to folks as well. We put up some lights on our tree in the front yard and later in the week me and the kid will decorate on of my fake trees with handmade bird ornaments (the bird thing is a little out of control).

Exercise is helping too. The kid and I  and sometimes the husband take walks with me. This morning we did yoga and later we are going to jump rope outside and go for a walk (at least a mile).

I am into crafts so we have some other projects that I hope take a long time to do. Masks, painting, paper dolls, and of course chalk art fun.

The public library offers an online language program and so we are going to learn French during meals. The live cam(s) of zoos have been fun to watch as well. Did I mention I have a bird feeder now? Good free inside fun!

I was also thinking of recording a message to friends and texting it out once a week. 

I will probably send one off today. Lucky that we cleaned the house over the weekend.

Reading stuff on the interwebs about the impact on the economy and the closing of local shops, I want to do something.  So it isn't much, but I have bought comics/graphic novels from the local comic book store (curbside pickup), get take out from restaurants on the ave,  got a hoodie from the punk rock record store and going to our indie grocer. We are lucky enough to have secure(ish) jobs, for the time being, so putting money toward our local economy and not Amazon, I hope helps a little.

I wonder if it would be weird if I put a gift card for our mail carrier in our mailbox. 

As far as staring at screens, our kid has the TV on as background while doing projects. Just like her mother and her grandmother, and her great grandmother.  It runs in the family.

Ahhh! 

Hope everyone stays safe and sane out there.

And you were so beautiful, you were so very special, I wish I was with you now, I wish I could save you somehow.

I am broken.
My friend Ian died. It hurts my fingers to type those words.
For the past month, I have been consumed by his death- I was his emergency contact and connected many of the dots.
None of his family came down, so it fell to me and his friend's to clean out his apartment.
Man oh man, that really sucked but luckily for me, I have a strong chosen family team. I was able to ask them to do tasks: talk to people, order food, pickups from the airport and the like. 
When his mom requested that we put together a service, I knew immediately what I wanted to say, but was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to convey it in words.
How do you sum up a person in 250 words who left suddenly and who had been one of the most important people in your life for 30 years?
You don't...
You listen to others who say amazing things about this person and try to absorb everything.

A friend put a beautiful blog post together of what she said at his service.
https://hulainthesunset.blogspot.com/2020/01/laughing-without-smiling.html?fbclid=IwAR1ItERSv_RGuMxRed_tGCTCFWPZ075b567EHA4Nof_GbqNrfbBWQtHh3L8

And below is what I said-

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Ian was a love of my life- completely platonic and unconditional.

He never did anything wrong to me.

I found his inappropriate comments charming, his super dramatic responses to everyday things hilarious and that fact that he thought it was funny to give really bad advice adorable.  He would insist on paying for everything when I knew he was broke and was relentless in trying to get me to watch horrible tv shows.

I met Ian when he was 17 years old. He had just moved to California; he was wearing a Sid Vicious shirt and we instantly bonded over music. During his stint in Southern California, he was staying with me at my parent’s house and it unnerved my grandmother Nanny that Ian slept with his shoes on.  Ian and I decided around Christmas time to move to San Francisco. We left in February and for the next 11 years lived together.

We often would go grocery shopping together; he would berate me for buying food that was not on sale. He had a pretty strict policy then that he only purchased items that were on sale – his preference actually that it was a buy one and get one free- we came home, and I asked him if he had ever eaten, I Can’t Believe It’s Butter before. Ian grabbed it out of my hand started yelling “I can’t believe it’s not butter,” over and over again and then threw the container against the wall. It was buy one, get one free so not all was lost.

When we moved into the second Haight Street apartment, he lived in the living room. So in the morning, I would have to knock on his doorway to make sure it was okay to go through to the kitchen. In the mornings, he would greet me with “it is a good day for the apocalypse.” When we were really broke, he and I would put our change together and buy Taco Bell or cigarettes. In passing he asked me to attend his college graduation, he was going to be a speaker. Of course, I would attend. He wasn’t a speaker- he was the main speaker. He got an award for his excellence and was the equivalent to the valedictorian of his class. The speech was so good, I was all teary and he just rolled his eyes at me.

When me and my now husband were getting serious, Ian and I made a pack that regardless of our relationship status that we would always be there for each other. It wasn’t until I was married did I change my emergency contact. After Heather died, Ian told me he was changing it back to me.

When I introduced Ian to Heather, it was no set up or anything. Just my new friend, meeting my old friend. It was crazy town to watch them hit it off. Ian was charming and he insisted on showering before going out to do stuff with her. One of the many conversations I had about Ian to Heather, I remember telling her that moving to SF was a good idea, that I had never seen Ian so smitten with anyone before and she should go for it. So them getting married was a no brainer. He called me on the phone and told me -after talking to me for 15 minutes about why I should watch some vampire show- that he and Heather were gonna wrap things up and get married. I was so excited for him and started getting teary on the phone and he got annoyed that I was getting so emotional.

After Heather died, I checked in with Ian once a week and if he didn’t respond, I would be relentless until he got back to me.

His sadness over losing her was something that I couldn’t understand until now.

Since Ian was not remotely religious, I wanted to say to all of you-

The force of Ian will be with you- always.

I will miss you so much.

I wish I was still your emergency contact.

Goo Goo Muck

I love Halloween.

This morning on my way to work I made up a Halloween play list in my head and then was going to make a Spotify list, but got busy...

Here it is-

Human Fly- The Cramps
Love Will Tear Us Apart- Joy Division
Hamburger Lady- Psychic TV
Lucretia, My Reflection- Sisters of Mercy
She's in Parties- Bauhaus
Beauty of Poison- Specimen
Cities in Dust- Siouxsie and Banshees
Church of No Return- Christian Death
So What- Ministry
Evil- 45 Grave
Eloise- The Damned
Burn the Flames- Roky Erikson
Boneshaker Baby- Alien Sex Fiend
Mauritia Mayer- Sex Gang Children
A Forest- The Cure


I would accept

Goo Goo Muck or New Kind of Drug for Human Fly.

Bela Lugosi or Third Uncle for She's in Parties.

Spellbound or Belladonna for Cities in Dust.

Any song on Only a Theatre of Pain for Church of No Return.

Walk with a Zombie instead of Burn the Flames.

And dealer's choice for another Cure song.

Here is a picture of Charlie, my skeleton. They are getting into the spirit of Halloween.

To resist despair cause you can't change everything- to resist despair in this world- Is what it is, what it is, what it is to be FREE

There are two things that distract me from the crazy/depressing/appalling day-to-day- television shows and KALX:

Specifically the new 90210 and Jesse Luscious' show Thursdays from 6-9am.
Both of these things have come to an end.

Jesse after a gazillion years on KALX is moving away and the new 90210 season is over.
What am I to do?

I think the reason I like both of these things has to with the feeling of nostalgia.

Some younger folks I know scoff at nostalgia and that is fine, they are young and don't have enough experience to understand that there is appeal to nostalgia. Well, there is appeal for me. I am a heady person who keeps journals and creates personal soundtracks in my head for life events.
I don't want to go on an all 1980s cruise and even though my hair style has remained fairly constant for many, many, many years I do freshen it up. I attempt a vintage vibe, but most of my clothes are new. Also, I don't loooonnnng for the "old days," I do appreciate them and try to live life with no regrets.
 Visiting my past occasionally  feels like catching  up with an old friend. Music has always been "my thing," so most of the time I visit through music.

Jesse Luscious' radio show gave me bursts of nostalgia almost every week. I use the term bursts, because it was typically punk rock tunes that clock in around 2:25.
Driving to work he would play a tune from Adolescents, Op Ivy, JChurch, Buzzcocks, and I really could list a thousand other bands, and for those few moments the song would remind me of a place or person or feeling of something from my past. Great way to start the morning.

90210 is a little different. Wednesdays at 8pm were an event at our house. Ridiculous things happened to these West Bev students and I loved every minute of it. Seeing them older and in some cases super botox'd was super fun and for 47 minutes I could not think about the gross, crazy world we live in. Their self- absorbed heavily makeup selves were a breath of fresh air.

I know. I know. I should watch "Game of Thrones," but Jason Priestly isn't in it!!

Now I've got a love so deep in the pit of my heart, and each day it grows more and more...

I understand the Big Chill now.

For the past 5 years me and my crew of friends have spent Labor Day weekend at a cabin. Well, one time it was a ranch by the beach another time it was a house in Fremont, but you get the idea.
This year almost didn't happen because the place I rented was sold a month before the trip. I was ready to bag the whole thing, but one of the group stepped in a found a rad place that we will probably go to next year.

When these trips first started it was because I lived far away from all of these people and it was an opportunity to hang out uninterrupted. We moved back to the bay area and since I liked the getaway, I wanted to start a tradition. It seemed like people wanted to go, but until this trip happened I really didn't know that they enjoyed the trips as much as I did. They are a lot of work to plan and it was nice to find out that the group liked going.

Since these trips started there has been cancer, a hit and run,  a divorce, a new coupling, job changes, and all kinds of other stuff. One of the cabin goers told me that she made it a point to be in the now. Put all the life stuff away and enjoy what is happening at the moment. Wise person.


The first trip was not very fun for my kid, she was 3 and didn't like being out of her element (or dogs, which there were 3, or the beach, which I made her go to), this year she was a rock star of independence. She tried the zip line, swam in the lake, slept by herself, and only had two melt downs.
Both from being tired and probably hungry.
Thinking about the kid, I really like that she gets to spend time with my friend's kids. I enjoy watching them experience things together. Their comfort level of bossing around some of the childless adults is amusing to us parents and it is nice to see them decompress from their day-to-day just like we do and enjoy our cabin trips.

I tell my kid that the people who go to the cabin with us are our inside family. Meaning they know my thoughts and feelings and history. Of the group, my husband has known me the least amount of time and I have known him for 22 years.

There isn't any cocaine use, people lending out their spouse to get someone pregnant, and we don't have a TV star among us. But the idea that these people have a history and we (the viewer) are capturing a few pages in their lives where they are all together is what I like about it and how I relate it to our yearly cabin trip.

Always searching for paradise, I'll admit that I'm good as blind. Darling, I confess... yes I've ruined three lives. And didn't care till I found out that one of them was mine, I confess...

Guitar players irritate me.
They don't listen during practice. Have fragile egos. Always turned up way too loud. And often take offense when you make suggestions.
Don't get me wrong, they are necessary and often do really cool things.
Lately, I have been writing on a guitar (not bass or piano) and I have been listening to not-so-obvious guitar players for inspiration.
As a songwriter, I usually think about the song from a couple of avenues depending on what comes first.
If the lyrics come first, I make conscious decisions on how my vocal parts will go with the bass line I have written...since I am not the one making up the guitar parts, I am aware that the guitarist might create a soundscape with no regard to how I am singing, so I usually have an alternate plan just in case.
Personally, I like it when a bass line comes first. I find it much easier to put words to it when I already know what I will be playing. Also I have a more solid foundation when bringing it to the other players.
It has been years since I was in a band where I shared song writing duties. I have been missing writing songs lately, so I have been looking back to some of my song sketches. I have quite a few that I feel could be something.

I have been listening to guitarists for inspiration.
Here is the list---

Richard Barone
Mitch Easter
PJ Harvey
Peggy Jones
John McGeoch
Wendy Melvion
Sara Jane Owen
Marco Pirroni

Yes.  A little all over the map. Some I listen to for technique (Mitch Easter, Peggy Jones, John McGeoch), some for guitar part structure (Wendy Melvion, Marco Pirroni, PJ Harvey), and some for guitar sound (all of them).

Since I am not a very good guitar player, I think that tone is something I can play with as well.
I loooove the jingle- jangle- wangle of 1980s guitar.
My confidence with pedals is negligible at best, so if I decide to record myself playing guitar, I will play with the tone in post.
I know. Sorry about that.

Yes. Guitar players irritate me, but they do create rocka riffs, tonal waterfalls, and they are pretty cool.
I guess.
I married one.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXP1j6Qf1T0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-6m18D84M4

Cause you can't. You won't and you don't ---Stop!

Books.
I don't love them because I am a librarian. Nor did I become a librarian because I love books.

This blog post is about books- BTW.

I want to like adult fiction, but I find that when I read fiction it is teen/YA fiction. Last year while I was working at the public library I stated in a grand gesture at the reference desk that I was going to read all the "classics" in the summer.
There is a teen classics section where many of the books that are required reading for the high school across the street live. Over the summer I walked up the stairs to the teen area 100 times to show someone where "Catcher in the Rye," "Treasure Island," "The Iliad," "Diary of Anne Frank,"
 and so on and so were located.
My grand gesture lasted 2 books- "To Kill a Mockingbird" and "Count of Monte Cristo."

I prefer non-fiction. Especially about (or by) musicians/music,writers, you know- artist types.

The Beastie Boys book was a great read. It took me awhile to read it because there are more than the Mike D and ADROCK's voices, having guest authors contribute to the narrative.  It is a  (mostly) linear history of the band- how they met, musical influence, stupid stuff they did, the complex relationship they had with Def Jam and some reflection into their young lives by their 50 year old selves. There are some embellishments intentional or not in their recounts, but it doesn't matter because the book seems to be coming from an honest place. The Beastie Boys were never one of my favorite bands, but I always liked their records and saw them live.
During the time I was reading the book (590 pages), when I came to a specific record in the book , I would only listen to that one. It made for a nice soundtrack and re-familiarized myself with their amazing discography.
MCA was always my favorite and I think the book is a love letter, eulogy, and ode to their lost brother.

Another book that I read recently  and I think I liked was "Night Moves," by Jessica Hopper. I am a fan of her writing typically. A handful of years ago an anthology of her writings was published called " The First Collection of Criticism by a Living Female Rock Critic,"which I very much enjoyed.  

It kind of reminded me of Chuck Klosterman mixed in with some Sara Marcus. 

"Night Moves," is different. The excerpts are more journal entries cleaned up to be vignettes. It is about her time in the mid-2000s in Chicago. I enjoyed the book and it is a super quick read at 184 pages. But whereas I connected to the material in the collected work, I found that her experiences, though entertaining kind of missed the mark for me.

The book that I finished yesterday was excellent. Michelle Tea has once again created a raw, unapologetic look into her life and psyche with "Against Memoir." It seems like I have known about Michelle Tea since forever. A founding member of Sister Spit, a roving literary group of folks who speak from the heart and can take and throw a punch. Literally for some, metaphorically for others. They have been together (on and off) since 1994 and I think the first time I came across them was at Club Junk or maybe it was the Albion or Dalva, the nineties were at times blurry, ANYWAY I remember being in awe of their (for lack of a better word) realness. I saw them on and off while living in SF and then again when Sister Spit 2.0 happened in the late 2000s. Michelle was always one of my favorites to hear and once I started to read her books, they did not disappoint. 

To state that reading her books are fun and are enjoyable, meh--- I don't think is what I mean. Her books make think and feel. She is not afraid to share her mistakes to anyone who wants know. Though some might think she is throwing up herself all over the page, I think there are parts of her life that she doesn't share and I appreciate the way she curates herself in her writing. The snapshots are also puzzle pieces. "Against Memoir" is a great anthology of her work and like the Beastie Boys and Hopper books the look back into their younger selves is honest, forgiving (not without apology), and real.