Is he a dot, or is he a speck? When he's underwater does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows, Particle man.

 I am glad that I am vaccinated and double boosted. I am sure my Covid infection would have been so much worse. And if I may give a shout out to masks?  The other two in the house did not get the 'rona. Our place is tiny and with me in isolation and all of us masking (they work!) it appears that I am the only one who got infected. I am pretty convinced that I either got it on my latest flight (I was masked) or at the event I attended -1000 seats. I was masked, most were not. This varient is sneaky, even though I am fresh off the Covid train, I will still be masked indoors around a lot of people. 

Even though I didn't feel too bad physically, it did a number on me emotionally. It was like the last 2 plus years of anxiety were pushed out of my brain and through my sinuses. The worst PMS ever without the cramps or the salt cravings. Whew! I am still recovering from it. 

My psyche is a faberge egg on a good day. Add Covid. Quarantine. Paranoid about getting your family sick. And not being sick enough to sleep all day?! There are some dark places in there. My lil' optimist self is afraid of the dark. 

Lately (before the 'rona and my emotional Blair Witch Project) I have been trying to quiet my mind and meditate. Not sure I am getting it right. There are a lot of apps (SO MANY APPS) and I have been playing around with some of the freebies. My buddy told me that if you have Kaiser you can get the Calm app premium for free. I am getting it. The same buddy also introduced me to ginger shots. I love them. I love them so much. They may be snake oil, but I swear they make me feel better. 

For the past 35 years I have gone to see therapists. On and off. Not a constant thing. I treat my mental health issues as they come. I use tools that I have learned to work on it and sometimes I need to call in a professional. I have suffered from depression. Had anxiety attacks. Extreme sadness. Manic behaviors. The works. 

Don't for to take care of yourselves. 

Ginger shots. Detox Keto pills. Yoga. Running.  Hiking. Ice Cream. Law and Order reruns. Whatever it takes to help you cope with this crazy business we call show. Dontcha know me Kansas City? You can't tear me down.

You are not alone.

Body, I am not an animal. Body, I am not an animal...

I am not surprised that Roe v Wade was overturned. It has been in the making for years.

There are so many reasons that it should not have been overturned...practical first.

This does not mean there will be easy access to birth control. Quite the opposite.

This decision will impact poor citizens and people of color. Because, y'know, Republicans hate poor people, impoverished people of color. 

Eliminating abortions will force women to have babies and funding for social services will be vital. It will rest on the states. As I am writing this Missouri has banned all abortions and I am sure they are in the process making sure that social safety nets are being...yeah, prolly not.

Oppression next.

Controlling women's bodies. Institutional sexism. Institutional racism. It is all there.

I also have some questions.

If it is immoral to have an abortion then isn't also immoral to shoot a bunch of strangers?

So no abortions and strict gun laws?

Since the 1980s abortions have been declining (some of this due to day after pills) and this begs the question-

Does anyone ever really want to get an abortion? 

From my personal experience, I answer this question with a solid unapologetic no. 

Is getting an abortion something I regret? None of your business.

Was the decision to terminate a pregnancy really hard to make? None of your business.

I am not pro-abortion, I am pro-choice. It is a personal choice.

The "funny" thing about all this is that many of these people who don't want you to terminate a pregnancy also don't want to wear a mask. 

Dummies.

Follow me into the desert , as thirsty as you are...

 For the past 28 years, I have had a crush on Seattle and the Pacific Northwest.

KEXP the indie radio station in Seattle celebrates 50 years of music programming and plays music from a year on Wednesdays. Today it was 1991. Dang! 

1991 was a good year for music and the same year I moved out on my own. I did not leave my great state of California, but I did travel north. Don't get me wrong I consider the Bay Area my home, but I have thought often about going farther north. Before I got my forever job, I applied every couple of months to jobs in the Seattle area. Every time I am there I play a soundtrack in my head- Sunny Day Real Estate, Taco Cat,  Soundgarden, Modest Mouse, Band of Horses, Gruntruck, Harvey Danger, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Mudhoney, Death Cab/Postal Service, and of course Nirvana and P. Jam. If we are driving then I will start my extended soundtrack in the Portland area with Heatmiser/Elliot Smith, Hazel, Dead Moon, Decemberists, and as we continue up I-5 Sleater-Kinney, Excuse 17, Bikini Kill, Godsheadsilo, Bratmobile, Quasi, and I could go on, but you get the idea.

None of these bands live in my favorite band category, but they do get honorable mentions because of their location. 

I am also way more aware of past, present, and future releases of labels from the PNW. SubPop, Barsuk, K, KRS, Hush Hush, Youth Riot, and so on. Years ago I made a conscious decision to invest in record labels. Explore their catalogs. Yep Roc, not out of the Seattle area, consistently puts out great records. FYI. Annnnnywho...

I spent a fair amount of time in the Seattle area in the 90s, some in the 00s, and multiple trips a year for the past 8 years.  So I know that I am not enamored of a town that no longer exists. Yes, there are places that are gone: Velvet Elvis, OK Hotel, the woman-owned burrito place by the Six Arms (which is still there, I think- LOVED that bar), Bop Records, and the really cool punk rock record store somewhere near the troll. With that being said I can still go to Vivace, Archie McPhees, and Cafe Flora. Plus there is always something new. I have also got to experience and enjoy other parts of the Seattle area (Ballard, West Seattle, Burien, White Center). A few years ago we spent a few days on Fox Island, which is in the southern part of the sound. So beautiful. We saw so many bald eagles. Fantastic. 

Maybe someday I will move up to the PNW. Perhaps that is where me and the husbando will retire to. Until then I will look forward to my visits.

To die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine.

Relationships.

Trust. Honesty. Respect. Negotiation. Compromise. These are just a few things to make a relationship "work," according to an article I read on the internet. I agree, sure.  But reading the article some other thoughts came to mind and I thought I would share them here.

Long haul partner type relationships I think often run into issues that can't be described with the one-word umbrella sections and maybe what "works" in 2012 might not work in 2022. People change or they don't. Interests. Priorities. Careers. General adult life stuff. These also play part in the LHR (long haul relationship, librarians love acronyms) and it is more complicated because these things can change the lens of honesty (etc) are looked through.  The "work" one does on themselves can often disrupt the lens's initial focus. I know abstract. Stay with me, I have some examples.

You get together with someone when you are in your mid 20s,  you both enjoy going out during the week and playing video games for hours on the weekend. You are now in your early 40s, have a job that keeps you from going out so much during the week, the doctor has told you to be more active, so instead of playing sport-type video games, you have started playing soccer on the weekends. Your partner still likes going out for happy hours and is happy to cheer you on the sidelines, but won't even walk on a treadmill.

There are probably deal breakers - the desire for children in particular that finish the LHP. Maybe a job opportunity that requires moving far away? I am sure there are plenty of others.

When you get into a LHP in your 50s, yes there is still work to be done to maintain a healthy relationship but what will be the challenges? 

So if one person in the relationship is "working" on themselves and the other doesn't feel the need. What do you do?

It is a circle question because the answer is "well, it depends on..." 

It depends on the relationship. The people. The circumstance.

How much do you care if your partner is engaged with you in your new interest? 

If you have decided to become a vegetarian or stop drinking booze, does it matter if the other in the relationship does the same?

I don't believe that people change that much, but they do modify behaviors, beliefs, and reactions.

I kinda got lost with this post. A little on purpose I think. 

Relationships take work and for a relationship to be "successful" is really in the eyes of the parties involved. The magazine article I read defined a "successful relationship" a certain way. One size does not fit all and if the relationship is LHP bound or already there the rules are constantly changing. 

I am not trying to sound callous about any of this- I love my LHP and we are a strong team. We know for the most part what works to keep us in the "successful" column. But priorities, outlooks, plans, and a whole bunch of other stuff have totally changed in the 600 years that we have been together. My takeaway after reading all of this over is that the article irritated me enough that I felt compelled to write a blog post.

Sunshine daydream. Walking through the tall trees. Going where the wind goes. Blooming like a red rose.

On Saturday one of my oldest and dearest friends got married. It was a very "normal" event after 2 years of Covid times. 

After just having a nice time being around people I came away from the event hopeful. There are a lot reasons these days to not feel hopeful. No need to get into this read the news. So celebrating the union of friends was a really nice change from the passed however long it has been, right? All right here we go-

First off, my friend deserves happiness. The past couple of years have been filled with a lot of sadness and I am so happy he has found someone who loves him for him and wants to be his LHP (long haul partner). Second, let's hear it for in-person events and wine! What!? Third, I really liked their approach to the vows. They wrote their own and they were so sincere and sweet. 

The location was really pretty. It had been drizzly for a good part of the day and had started to clear which made the surrounding landscape very green and bright.

There was no officiant, just the two of them standing looking at each other reading what they had wrote. 

It was a small affair and so I was able to meet many of the attendees that I didn't already know. 

There was a long table family style table where we all had dinner, I am digging big dining tables (and the chandelier, it was really cool) it was like something out of a movie.

I made a few of the music playlists for the event, which I enjoyed doing and I was glad to be asked to participate in the happy affair.

Overall, not too shabby of a Saturday.

This is a short post today, but an important one for me. Trying to be a writer is hard. I am my own worst enemy and it is much easier to write about things that are dark, negative, and sad, about loss, or onions and music.

Maybe it is because when one is feeling good there isn't the need to sit down and hash it out on the page. I mean have you listened to any of the music I have written and performed?

That is why I write this...Saturday was about love. Not unrequited.  Love loss or  "the one that got away." 

But celebrating love and new beginnings.

The bride said that she was going to love my friend "hard," and that has stuck with me.

 And I totally didn't cry, it was allergies.

When your world is full of strange arrangements and gravity won't pull you through...

Keeping up with new(maybe not new-new, but new to me) music is exhausting.

I listen to radio stations (KALX/KEXP), internet radio (Bagel Radio/Radio Box), read music sites (Brooklyn Vegan/Pitchfork), and peruse Bandcamp and Soundcloud. I like all kinds of music, but definitely have genres that I listen to more than others. 

I keep a list of bands/artists that I hear that I want to explore more in-depth on my phone. 

Here are just a few. Seriously, I think that I had about 65 artists on my list about 2 months ago.

SunnO))

Burning Witch

Dry Cleaning

Parquet Court

Idles

Japanese Breakfast

Bad Fruit

Bully

Goat Girl

Run the Jewels

Anthony Phillips

In the old'n days, I kept a list in my notebook which I kept in my bag.  When I would get to the record store I would pull out my list and start scouring the CDs and LPs. 

When we moved from the south to the north of California I paid a friend in records (punk records mostly) to haul away a bunch of our stuff and donated a bunch of records to my hairdresser's DJ booth.

I think when we moved we were about 100 records lighter. For the past 10 years,  I have been much more selective of the music that I purchase. Except for a few artists (X, John Doe, Residents, and a few others) who I will pre-order their materials I only buy records or CDs that I come across when I am at a record store/swap/garage sale/thrift store/etc.

I find going through records (index finger, middle finger, index finger middle finger) very meditative. 

Today I went to the record store by our house and picked up "Tonight" by David Bowie. His birthday is in a few days and it was in the discount bin.

It is always fun for me to pick out something that I didn't expect. I know one can purchase basically anything on the internet, but the surprise of discovery looking through inventory at the record store is really fun for me. 

I was actually looking for ABC "Lexington of Love" and "In Outer Space" by Sparks.

Maybe next time.

The world is just a great big onion. And pain and fear are the spices that make you cry. Oh, and the only way to get rid of this great big onion- Is to plant love seeds until it dies...

 I have only recently started liking the taste of onions. 

When I was younger I really was not down with them and would avoid them most of the time. Not like olives. They are the worst. 

 I would pick onions off (except McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese) everything. And caramelized onions? Hard pass.

In my older age, I have started liking onions more. It all started with scallions in my lame salads that I make for lunch then I stopped taking the onions off sandwiches, burgers, and restaurant-made salads.

It didn't stop there! I started adding onions to dishes. Often I would not use the amount on a recipe. 

I also "discovered" onions as an ingredient. Adding onions in a broth for soup-tasty. I know. I know. Late to the party. I wonder what other foods I might try.  

It has been tough going for many moons now and being an optimist is at times a real struggle. 

Sometimes I think of something I wish I could ask or tell someone who I cared about who is gone.

In the past year + I jot the thought or question down in my journal. I came across a few the other day while looking for something else. 

(I have done this other thing in my journal, where I don't write on the next page, but pick pages at random. I guess trying to not be so "linear"- super annoying, I won't be doing that after this journal is full.)

 Do you think that our lives at 202 23rd Ave would be better as limited series (maybe 6 episode) Netflix show with actors playing us, or as a podcast with the actual people?

When listening to the orchestration of "Swan Lake"  as done by the Russian State Orchestra in the late 80s/early 90s do you think that the percussion is too Christmasy sounding?

I didn't jot it down, but I did laugh to myself the other day, when I saw that my cat had slight inflammation of one of her anal glands. Somebody reading this might get that one. 

Anyways! As I write this blog tonight. I hope that 2022 doesn't only have big piles of shit to give us.

So for this holiday season I am going to:

Unplug

Be with family and friends

Stay safe

Eat something yummy (maybe with onions?)

Happy Holidays!