I miss my dead friends.
Because I miss them, I am thinking about the friends I have that are living.
Sometimes I feel helpless because of all the loss. I am not particularly close to much of my born into family- so friends=family.
Helplessness is no joke and the worst for someone who considers themself an optimist.
To make sure that my helplessness doesn't take over I have had to adapt recently to a few things. It is no secret, nor will anyone dispute this that I am one of the keepers of "the family." For years (I mean years) I have been negotiating everyone's communication (or lack thereof) styles. It unfortunately is a trigger to the helplessness, so I have had to take a back seat and not feed the fire of lackadaisical communication. Now to be clear I am not ghosting anyone or anything. Just not worrying about making sure everyone is in the loop about whatever…
After Ian died, I wrote letters to 18 people. I wanted to make sure that they knew stuff. Now I am seriously considering throwing them away. There are 2 reasons for this -I was in a dark place and so sad that I didn’t get out of bed for two days and I should enjoy the friendships where they are at in the moment.
I know some really fantastic people. Why wait until I am dead for them to read some shit, I wrote 2 months after my platonic soulmate died? Or worse they will die before me, and the emotional empty hole will get bigger.
I miss my dead friends. For the friends who are still living I will reach out to them and say hi and check in to see how they are doing. Send them silly texts. And cards, damn it I love greeting cards. Make plans for visits.
Much of my born-into family makes little to no effort to see me (or my kid, husband), (I know people are busy life is time consuming) and it has taken years to understand that it is okay that they don’t have much interest in my or my family’s life. Though I don’t think it is harsh as that with my friends, I can sit with the idea that people want/need different things and even though we may not hang out or talk very much that the relationships still matter. Even if it is steeped in nostalgia there are still fibers that contribute our friendship fabric. The tapestry (yeah, I am going for it) of my friends is rich, vibrant, and complicated.
Wouldn’t have it any other way.
