I am one bend away. I am one step away from the precipice of crazy. I am holding all the pieces in place.

 I am really into bands/artists from Australia and New Zealand.

I have probably written about this before because my down under obsession has been going on for some time now.

My first run-in was the movie Starstruck. It is a typical early 1980s new wave movie about a group of kids wanting to be rockstars. There is a local competition (on TV that is how the whole town will see them), some prize money, love interest, and a great soundtrack.

I discovered the Swingers. They were in the movie (which I saw on Night Flight) and I want to say I saw their music video on Video One with Richard Blade. Totally hooked. Phil Judd would depart the Swingers and start Split Enz with the Finn brothers. Ooooooh how I love the Finn brothers (still mad I didn't get tickets for Crowded House at the Fox). From here I seamlessly became fans of the bigger names Midnight Oil, INXS (The Swing is their best record if you ask me), AC/DC, and Men at Work. Then I moved to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, The Cruel Sea, and Hunters and Collectors. I was shocked later in life to find out that The Little River Band are also Aussies. Have YOU heard about the lonesome loser? Beatin' by the queen of hearts every time. And of course we can't forget Air Supply. 

I have a fond memory of me and my friend driving back from the Spoleto festival (we saw Damon Albarn Gorillaz symphony - epic) and since she had a doctorate in musicology and I was getting my master's in musicology and we were coming from an amazing musical experience it is not a shock that our conversation turned to music. I asked her what her favorite band was from down under and she without even taking a beat said Air Supply. We listened to their ultimate collection and live in Tokyo recordings back-to-back for the rest of the drive home.

But this isn't really what I wanted to write about...I was with a friend the other day and they were processing some drama they are going through and they said to me quite glibly (is that a word?) that I didn't have problems. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but as I was going to sleep last night that is all I could think about. Does this person really think that? If so, fuck you. But also, thanks? Perhaps I don't have "problems" in the area of their drama? What one might think is not a problem is to others. You know kind of like someone's trash is another one's treasure. Is there some secret qualifier chart to what can be considered a problem? I am not one to throw up my "problems" on people (though there are some lucky folks who have worn my emotional vomit on their shirts) so it may appear that I do not have problems. I think it was a throw away line, but it got me thinking about personality masks.

 There are people that I have known, heck even related to that I have no idea really what they are feeling. I am positive that they have and had problems (issues, situations, difficulties, worries) but they did not share them out to me at all. I think that there are also folks who are more comfortable with sharing out problems, issues, situations, difficulties, and worries. This is not a judgment, just an observation.  With the check-ins (usually a quick text) that I do (since 5 of my friends died) with my chosen family, it is all about effort. You do what you have the capacity for... I am always available to be a shoulder, ear, soundboard, or whatever for people I care about. Even when I am having a problem. But sometimes I feel like the song I chose for the title of this blog. Not today. But some days.

The band is (you guessed it) from Australia. They are called the Middle Kids and this song is a favorite on John Richard's show on KEXP, my drive time listen. And if you live in the bay area can now listen to on the radio proper at  92.7. I know. Old school.

You are not alone. 

And the sky was made of amethyst and all the stars were just like little fish...

 The album "Live Through This," by Hole came out 30 years ago today.

I know every note on that record. I can play many of the songs on guitar and/or bass and for 36 months it was one on HEAVY rotation in my musical soundscape. 1994 was a good year for my record collection, besides the Hole record others were:

Bakesale, Sebadoh

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain, Pavement

Mellow Gold, Beck

There's Nothing Wrong with Love, Built to Spill

Grace, Jeff Buckley

Weezer S/T (Blue Record)

Strangers from the Universe, Thinking Feelers Union 282

Foolish, Superchunk

Ill Communication, Beastie Boys

The Coup, Genocide and Juice

The Crow soundtrack

Ruby Vroom, Soul Coughing

American Thighs, Veruca Salt

and of course Dookie by Green Day.

These are of course the bigger artists. 1994 was filled with small club musical experiences of all kinds of genres and that could be a separate blog post. San Francisco 1994 was filled with music of all sonic shapes and sizes.

"Live Through This" is probably first for me. I don't listen to it much, but when I do it instantly brings me back to a time and place emotionally. Living in SF, playing music with one of my musical heartbeats, and becoming an adult. 

A friend of mine from a thousand years ago came back into my life recently- thanks Instagram. And they asked me the other day if there are songs that I lose myself in and I have to say that "Violet," gets me every time. I understood the lyrics, I felt the lyrics. They were very similar to what I was writing in my journals at that time. Uncertain confidence. Naive and reckless. Scared and fierce. Goldfish memories.  Slow motion reality.  Friends. Romance. Laughs. Tears. Lots of drugs and alcohol. That is how I remember 1994.

Happy Anniversary to all the music of 1994.

I'm buried in this house, I'll never leave the floor. A page full of je t'aimes for you, I know I should have said it more.

 Looking back on a lot of my blog posts, I saw that death was what stirred my insides to write. I have been tippa-type-a on this blog business for the past decade(+) or so and the last 6 years for sure have been about loss. So. much. loss.

ANYWHO

When I was in my 20s, I wrote a lot about love. How love made me happy, crazy, sad, frustrated, depressed, resigned, kinda angry (and vague) and lost. 

I re-watched La La Land the other day. Parts of the movie resonate with me.

 Got me thinking - Do reconnections with old flames work out? What about reconnections from people of your past that maybe were not old flames, but part of your history. Do those relationships work out?

There is a fire (at least there was for me) when you are young that is often hard to contain and the people you share it with know how to hold it, smother it, fan it, and/or try to put it out. Now I am not saying that you can't have this later in life or anything. It is maybe because love the romantic kind is new to the 20 something psyche and it feels like "they do in the movies." So when you reconnect with someone from your past, there is a shared history, and a comforting context that sparks the flames again. 

All love stories can be great and can happen whenever, I believe that. 

But so many expire, fall away, or wash out with the tide. 

 A quick anecdote-

I have a friend who has had lots of serious love relationships. I asked her how is able to fall in love so much. Her answer to me was, "I believe in and never give up on love."  Huh. Okay back to La La Land...

When Mia goes through the "what if" montage when she is in the club and hears the tune I get that. I am always going to love you. Well done movie, you captured a moment that resonates with how I would describe a love scenario.

The romantification of it all is why La La Land works and why it is frustrating. It is like it is a love letter to love itself.  The part that works. The feeling that is left is one of ambiguity. The frustrating part. I am a person who needs a little more closure in a movie. I do like it though- the beauty, sadness, hope, forgiveness, and "what-ifs."