The world is just a great big onion. And pain and fear are the spices that make you cry. Oh, and the only way to get rid of this great big onion- Is to plant love seeds until it dies...

 I have only recently started liking the taste of onions. 

When I was younger I really was not down with them and would avoid them most of the time. Not like olives. They are the worst. 

 I would pick onions off (except McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese) everything. And caramelized onions? Hard pass.

In my older age, I have started liking onions more. It all started with scallions in my lame salads that I make for lunch then I stopped taking the onions off sandwiches, burgers, and restaurant-made salads.

It didn't stop there! I started adding onions to dishes. Often I would not use the amount on a recipe. 

I also "discovered" onions as an ingredient. Adding onions in a broth for soup-tasty. I know. I know. Late to the party. I wonder what other foods I might try.  

It has been tough going for many moons now and being an optimist is at times a real struggle. 

Sometimes I think of something I wish I could ask or tell someone who I cared about who is gone.

In the past year + I jot the thought or question down in my journal. I came across a few the other day while looking for something else. 

(I have done this other thing in my journal, where I don't write on the next page, but pick pages at random. I guess trying to not be so "linear"- super annoying, I won't be doing that after this journal is full.)

 Do you think that our lives at 202 23rd Ave would be better as limited series (maybe 6 episode) Netflix show with actors playing us, or as a podcast with the actual people?

When listening to the orchestration of "Swan Lake"  as done by the Russian State Orchestra in the late 80s/early 90s do you think that the percussion is too Christmasy sounding?

I didn't jot it down, but I did laugh to myself the other day, when I saw that my cat had slight inflammation of one of her anal glands. Somebody reading this might get that one. 

Anyways! As I write this blog tonight. I hope that 2022 doesn't only have big piles of shit to give us.

So for this holiday season I am going to:

Unplug

Be with family and friends

Stay safe

Eat something yummy (maybe with onions?)

Happy Holidays!

 

It's not really four tracks -you can add and you can subtract- unlimited sky above you and me and my 424...

 John Vanderslice was the first music I have experienced live since March of 2020.

It was magical. 

I have always been a next-door fan of Mr. Vanderslice. Don't own any of his records, but have seen him live a handful of times over the years. Small-ish venues mostly and all in SF, except for a Seattle show 20+ years ago. I like his voice, his songwriting, and totally dig his recordings. It has always been in my mind that I was going to record at Tiny Telephone in San Francisco which is closed now, but maybe I will be able to record something at Tiny Telephone Oakland. Someday.

Anyways. The show took place in a beautiful backyard that overlooks Oakland. There were about 20 people there and John Vanderslice played for almost 2 hours. I knew a few of the songs, which was nice, but I think that I enjoyed the most was the energy. It was a quiet enthusiasm with really active listening.

There were no drunkies bumping into me, the music was crystal clear and I could hear every note played and sung. The interaction between the audience and  JV was in the moment. 

It was magical.

Totally not ready to be inside a big venue with a bunch of people, but do have some shows coming up that are outside and small (and small-ish). I don't know though John Vanderslice really brought it. 

The it being a show by a natural showman, stripped down to the core sharing words and music.

John Vanderslice has set the bar really high. Thank you.

Below is the view, JV playing, and the wallpaper in the bathroom of the house.

On the road again-goin' places that I've never been- seein' things that I may never see again...

This summer has really flown by compared to last summer. 

Though far from "normal" it was filled with some travel, camps, in-person work services, and visits with friends.

Drought, COVID, heat, and political craziness (are we really gonna recall our governor again? it went so great the last time) it is sometimes hard to be optimistic. I am a half-full kind of person most of the time and I think people around me take it for granted. Often folks do not know how to deal when I am not okay. I mourn in private. Talk to no one (or professionals) about all the stuff that weighs on me. 

With that being said I truly don't mind being a shoulder to cry on, sounding board, or fresh eyes on a situation for a friend. Also, I will usually say yes when a favor is asked of me. But it sure doesn't flow the other way with many of my people. I also don't like being an inconvenience or a burden on anyone. The last thing I want to do is make someone roll their eyes when they see a text of mine or sigh "great, her again" when I open my mouth.

But this isn't why I started this post. Summer. 

I think it would be cool to do a summer (or winter) vacation for a few weeks. I haven't taken a vacation for longer than a few days in...15 years? I know, first-world problem. Maybe with the option to do some remote work, a longer vacation could happen in the next year or so. I realize that it won't be a dirty dancing situation. Didn't the Houseman's spend the whole summer at that resort? But I do think it would be cool to find a destination that we could set up shop for 10 days or so and then take our time exploring and not have to cram 4 activities a day or feel rushed while doing the 4 activities or only doing the things that you think will be coolest and not taking any vacation chances. Again, I know, first-world problems.

With the pandemic, I have been working on taking it easy. If B reads this, he probably just spit out his coffee. Taking it easy for me is not my strong suit. But there are days that I don’t do all the things on the chore board or plan THE ENTIRE DAY. Sometimes we do nothing all day. Lemme tell ya those days are cray-cray.

Anywhoser, perhaps some research of a longer vacation in the future sounds so much more fun than working on my workshop slides.

If you're on your own -in this life. The days and nights are long...

Another loss. Another loss. Another f#@%ing loss.

A friend. A good friend and even better friend to one of my best friends and my husband died.

Unexpected. Sudden. 

In the past 5 years I have lost a handful of friends. I know we all die, I was just  hoping for more years with all of these people. Tragic accident. Cancer. And the ones for me that hurt the most are the ones that are sudden. Where they were getting back on track and did they take a step back? Such unforgiving demons. Bahhh. It is hard to know these days what stage of grief I am in. There is overlap and things are murky. Taking deep breaths and just letting tears fall. 

I watched all 5 episodes of "It's a Sin" and I am using it as a tool to help with my grief. 

If you don't know the show, it follows a group of gay men in London during the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. Just about everyone dies in the show (I don't think I am ruining it -given the subject) and it is really sad. It is sad how parents treat their their sick children, how the medical profession treats the patients and how the group at first does not understand and many of them do not accept that this mystery illness is a threat. For the characters who do not get sick and die their narrative is that of how they take care of their friends and process the loss. Crying for the characters and friends, there is a overlap and things are murky.

I am guilty of compartmentalism and so I fault no one with thinking that they can handle it. Whatever "it" is...

The picture for the obituary that was used he would have never approved of and that did make me laugh.

This has become a blog of sadness. My apologies.

I have so many ideas that I will explore soon:

Driving apps are pretty dumb most of the time.

What makes a good love song.

Birding observations.

But until then love your friends, they are your chosen family.

If they were me, if they were me. And I was you and I was you - If they were me and I was you, would you have liked a present too?

 I am thinking of canceling my birthday for the foreseeable birthdays. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but hear me out.

I love birthdays. I always try and think of a thoughtful or weird present for the person whose birthday it is. For those, I do not get presents for I will send a text or call. And even the more outlier friends I will post a greeting via the social media platforms.

Last year my birthday was (obviously) during the pandemic and it was a big one. I was going to go big and couldn't...The hus and kid were great eating vegan food they didn't want to eat and my faraway friends zoomed with me. One faraway bestie sent me a wonderful package of presents (and a pinata) from all over friends, which I loved and another made a beautiful book.  Two close-by friends stopped by (socially distanced of course) and said hi with flowers and birthday socks. Considering the circumstances it was pretty nice.

So now we are to this year. Things are opening up some. No big party or faraway travels yet. Local travel is VERY popular and things are expensive. Because of the circumstances, I didn't want to plan anything too far out because of the pandemic. So when I started looking a couple of weeks ago everything I was interested in was booked. I got super sad and wanted to throw in the towel with the whole thing. After an after 10pm talk with the husband (which we try not to have, we go to bed early) it was decided that we would look together and find something that worked. Something was found and my birthday will be celebrated a couple hours away. 

Before Bookface, Tweeter, and Instapicture (and all the other social medias) one had to remember it was someone's birthday (I have a book with birthdays in it) and it was a phone call or a card. I kind of miss those days. It was more of an effort and let's face it a post on FB is not as thoughtful as sending a card. Not sure what that had to do with my point...wait...nope it is gone.

ANYWAY I remembered something that my friend did when we were roommates- it was roughly 4am and he came into my room and in his angry voice said, "Erica, Erica, Erica wake up." I was out of sorts (probably still a little drunk)  and turned on a light. He smiled and said "Happy Birthday!" and went back into his room. It meant a lot to me. I miss those types of birthday moments.

So why am I thinking of canceling? Because I love it so much maybe I should set it free. 

I dunno. I probably won't, I mean I did already book a place and I already found a cafe to get a good Oatmilk iced latte and vegan sugary treats just a few miles away from it.

Caressing the marble and stone. Love that was special for one. The waste in the fever and heat. How I wish you were here with me now.

The lockdown anniversary is coming up in a few weeks.

The damage that has been done so far makes me despondent. 

It seems like we are in the finger-pointing-vaccine envy-zoom fatigue-circle decisions phase, which leads to failure feelings.

Currently I am failing at being a parent, spouse and friend.

Anyone else?

Sometimes I just catch myself getting lost looking out at one of my many bird feeders. I almost feel normal and then...it passes. I cherish those few moments. 

I am not sure if listening to Joy Divison, Jeff Buckley, and Nick Drake are the best choices either. 

My hope that this is the beginning of the end of the pandemic. I want to hug friends and wear lipstick again.  

On a hopeful note we are gearing up for a soft opening of the library I work at for summer semester. I will be writing about it on my library blog- https://runkpocklibrarian.blogspot.com/

I haven't contributed to it much because y'know, pandemic. 

Meanwhile here is a puppet video I made with my kid. Ego Sensation did the music. I post them on Instagram too. @ericaannawesome

Stay safe everyone.