If you're on your own -in this life. The days and nights are long...

Another loss. Another loss. Another f#@%ing loss.

A friend. A good friend and even better friend to one of my best friends and my husband died.

Unexpected. Sudden. 

In the past 5 years I have lost a handful of friends. I know we all die, I was just  hoping for more years with all of these people. Tragic accident. Cancer. And the ones for me that hurt the most are the ones that are sudden. Where they were getting back on track and did they take a step back? Such unforgiving demons. Bahhh. It is hard to know these days what stage of grief I am in. There is overlap and things are murky. Taking deep breaths and just letting tears fall. 

I watched all 5 episodes of "It's a Sin" and I am using it as a tool to help with my grief. 

If you don't know the show, it follows a group of gay men in London during the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. Just about everyone dies in the show (I don't think I am ruining it -given the subject) and it is really sad. It is sad how parents treat their their sick children, how the medical profession treats the patients and how the group at first does not understand and many of them do not accept that this mystery illness is a threat. For the characters who do not get sick and die their narrative is that of how they take care of their friends and process the loss. Crying for the characters and friends, there is a overlap and things are murky.

I am guilty of compartmentalism and so I fault no one with thinking that they can handle it. Whatever "it" is...

The picture for the obituary that was used he would have never approved of and that did make me laugh.

This has become a blog of sadness. My apologies.

I have so many ideas that I will explore soon:

Driving apps are pretty dumb most of the time.

What makes a good love song.

Birding observations.

But until then love your friends, they are your chosen family.

If they were me, if they were me. And I was you and I was you - If they were me and I was you, would you have liked a present too?

 I am thinking of canceling my birthday for the foreseeable birthdays. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but hear me out.

I love birthdays. I always try and think of a thoughtful or weird present for the person whose birthday it is. For those, I do not get presents for I will send a text or call. And even the more outlier friends I will post a greeting via the social media platforms.

Last year my birthday was (obviously) during the pandemic and it was a big one. I was going to go big and couldn't...The hus and kid were great eating vegan food they didn't want to eat and my faraway friends zoomed with me. One faraway bestie sent me a wonderful package of presents (and a pinata) from all over friends, which I loved and another made a beautiful book.  Two close-by friends stopped by (socially distanced of course) and said hi with flowers and birthday socks. Considering the circumstances it was pretty nice.

So now we are to this year. Things are opening up some. No big party or faraway travels yet. Local travel is VERY popular and things are expensive. Because of the circumstances, I didn't want to plan anything too far out because of the pandemic. So when I started looking a couple of weeks ago everything I was interested in was booked. I got super sad and wanted to throw in the towel with the whole thing. After an after 10pm talk with the husband (which we try not to have, we go to bed early) it was decided that we would look together and find something that worked. Something was found and my birthday will be celebrated a couple hours away. 

Before Bookface, Tweeter, and Instapicture (and all the other social medias) one had to remember it was someone's birthday (I have a book with birthdays in it) and it was a phone call or a card. I kind of miss those days. It was more of an effort and let's face it a post on FB is not as thoughtful as sending a card. Not sure what that had to do with my point...wait...nope it is gone.

ANYWAY I remembered something that my friend did when we were roommates- it was roughly 4am and he came into my room and in his angry voice said, "Erica, Erica, Erica wake up." I was out of sorts (probably still a little drunk)  and turned on a light. He smiled and said "Happy Birthday!" and went back into his room. It meant a lot to me. I miss those types of birthday moments.

So why am I thinking of canceling? Because I love it so much maybe I should set it free. 

I dunno. I probably won't, I mean I did already book a place and I already found a cafe to get a good Oatmilk iced latte and vegan sugary treats just a few miles away from it.