And if you're up there you'll perceive -That my heart's here upon my sleeve -If there's one thing I don't believe in...

I miss my dead friends.

Because I miss them, I am thinking about the friends I have that are living. 

Sometimes I feel helpless because of all the loss. I am not particularly close to much of my born into family- so friends=family.

Helplessness is no joke and the worst for someone who considers themself an optimist.

To make sure that my helplessness doesn't take over I have had to adapt recently to a few things. It is no secret, nor will anyone dispute this that I am one of the keepers of "the family." For years (I mean years) I have been negotiating everyone's communication (or lack thereof) styles. It unfortunately is a trigger to the helplessness, so I have had to take a back seat and not feed the fire of lackadaisical communication. Now to be clear I am not ghosting anyone or anything. Just not worrying about making sure everyone is in the loop about whatever… 

After Ian died, I wrote letters to 18 people. I wanted to make sure that they knew stuff. Now I am seriously considering throwing them away. There are 2 reasons for this -I was in a dark place and so sad that I didn’t get out of bed for two days and I should enjoy the friendships where they are at in the moment. 

I know some really fantastic people. Why wait until I am dead for them to read some shit, I wrote 2 months after my platonic soulmate died? Or worse they will die before me, and the emotional empty hole will get bigger.

I miss my dead friends. For the friends who are still living I will reach out to them and say hi and check in to see how they are doing. Send them silly texts. And cards, damn it I love greeting cards. Make plans for visits.

Much of my born-into family makes little to no effort to see me (or my kid, husband), (I know people are busy life is time consuming) and it has taken years to understand that it is okay that they don’t have much interest in my or my family’s life. Though I don’t think it is harsh as that with my friends, I can sit with the idea that people want/need different things and even though we may not hang out or talk very much that the relationships still matter. Even if it is steeped in nostalgia there are still fibers that contribute our friendship fabric. The tapestry (yeah, I am going for it) of my friends is rich, vibrant, and complicated. 

Wouldn’t have it any other way.

Do you know how many time zones there are in the Soviet Union? Eleven. It's not even funny.

When my friend Ian died words poured out and my sadness was so severe. To say devastated might be a stretch, but I was broken. With my friend Mike's passing. I saw it coming. He had health issues that were obvious to me were not going to get better. I am totally sad, don't get me wrong, I am a different kind of sad.

He always chose his words carefully, so I am going to try and do the same. 

 Tumbleweed. Kerosene. Hairbeard. Jesse Tierra.

Heading out to an evening on a wedding cruise, my mom - "You don't need a coat?"

M- "When you look this good, you don't get cold."

Asking for a check at a restaurant, "Flog her dress and give her an egg."

Talking about music, "You know Johnny Cochran's song, don't step on my blue suede---cat."

After seeing the Residents, "The Residents get me."

Eating pizza at 10am being (a little) hungover watching 9 episodes of Law and Order in a row.

 M and my husband building/putting together shelves and tables. Moving furniture when I had crazy eyes.

Dead shows.

Riding around in the E Ticket.

Picking him up from school in my maroon 1977 Toyota Celica, blasting "Nellie the Elephant," and eating at Naugles/Del Taco.

Making sure he didn't oversleep and miss my wedding, for which he was a groomsman.

Packing up his apartment in San Diego and arguing with another friend about not throwing away an old wooden spoon. 

M calling me on the phone telling me he would be coming to San Francisco to visit in a day or two and showing up 2 weeks later.

Mike telling me he was in love.

Long talks at the kitchen table.

Many Halloweens.

These are just a few snippets of the past 35 years of friendship with my chosen brother, Mike. 

My friend Mike was not an easy person. The complexities of his world view, always thinking he had one last card to play, and his unwillingness to get "it" wrong made for some personal and professional challenges. He didn't want  people to see him vulnerable and did not like to ask for assistance. His cowboy-ness was incredibly charming and frustrating in the same breath. His scientific mind made him weird in the best possible way and also often prevented him from appreciating nuance and shooting from the hip. He could always make me laugh and never fed me a fake I am busy line to help me with a project. 

I miss you -chosen brother. 

I have been listening to Negativland a lot. So I will end this transmission.

Because man, nobody is perfect. 

A million lights are dancing and there you are, a shooting star. An everlasting world and you're here with me, eternally...

I did not start off this blog to write about death. It just kind of happened, I guess.

ONJ left us yesterday.

Olivia Newton John has been in my life since I was about 8 years old. 

Dancing to "Totally Hot" at massive sleepovers at my friend's house.

Seeing Grease in the theatre multiple times.

Seeing Xanadu in the theater even more times. 

Watching the TV special of the ONJ's "Physical"  video album. She created videos for all of the songs.  I think it won a Grammy. 

Two of a Kind.

A Christmas Wish.

I know every lyric on "Xanadu," "Grease," and "Totally Hot."

No matter how punk rock I was, ONJ was totally acceptable to like. Where I might have had to hide my love of Spandau Ballet, ONJ was a-ok. 

Xanadu is not the best movie in the world and I know at the time of the release it was not well received. My 10 year old self thought it was a masterpiece. I mean ONJ, roller skating, Gene muthafukin Kelly,  Michael Beck (Warriors, come out to play), and ELO soundtrack?!?! CINEMATIC GOLD. 

I am a fan of soundtracks and there are some great ones out there. I would have to say that start to finish- Xanadu, Grease and Purple Rain are the ones that I have listened to the most.

Oh Olivia. I will miss you. Thank you for your music, philanthropy, and rad fashion in Xanadu and Two of a Kind. 

Is he a dot, or is he a speck? When he's underwater does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows, Particle man.

 I am glad that I am vaccinated and double boosted. I am sure my Covid infection would have been so much worse. And if I may give a shout out to masks?  The other two in the house did not get the 'rona. Our place is tiny and with me in isolation and all of us masking (they work!) it appears that I am the only one who got infected. I am pretty convinced that I either got it on my latest flight (I was masked) or at the event I attended -1000 seats. I was masked, most were not. This varient is sneaky, even though I am fresh off the Covid train, I will still be masked indoors around a lot of people. 

Even though I didn't feel too bad physically, it did a number on me emotionally. It was like the last 2 plus years of anxiety were pushed out of my brain and through my sinuses. The worst PMS ever without the cramps or the salt cravings. Whew! I am still recovering from it. 

My psyche is a faberge egg on a good day. Add Covid. Quarantine. Paranoid about getting your family sick. And not being sick enough to sleep all day?! There are some dark places in there. My lil' optimist self is afraid of the dark. 

Lately (before the 'rona and my emotional Blair Witch Project) I have been trying to quiet my mind and meditate. Not sure I am getting it right. There are a lot of apps (SO MANY APPS) and I have been playing around with some of the freebies. My buddy told me that if you have Kaiser you can get the Calm app premium for free. I am getting it. The same buddy also introduced me to ginger shots. I love them. I love them so much. They may be snake oil, but I swear they make me feel better. 

For the past 35 years I have gone to see therapists. On and off. Not a constant thing. I treat my mental health issues as they come. I use tools that I have learned to work on it and sometimes I need to call in a professional. I have suffered from depression. Had anxiety attacks. Extreme sadness. Manic behaviors. The works. 

Don't for to take care of yourselves. 

Ginger shots. Detox Keto pills. Yoga. Running.  Hiking. Ice Cream. Law and Order reruns. Whatever it takes to help you cope with this crazy business we call show. Dontcha know me Kansas City? You can't tear me down.

You are not alone.

Body, I am not an animal. Body, I am not an animal...

I am not surprised that Roe v Wade was overturned. It has been in the making for years.

There are so many reasons that it should not have been overturned...practical first.

This does not mean there will be easy access to birth control. Quite the opposite.

This decision will impact poor citizens and people of color. Because, y'know, Republicans hate poor people, impoverished people of color. 

Eliminating abortions will force women to have babies and funding for social services will be vital. It will rest on the states. As I am writing this Missouri has banned all abortions and I am sure they are in the process making sure that social safety nets are being...yeah, prolly not.

Oppression next.

Controlling women's bodies. Institutional sexism. Institutional racism. It is all there.

I also have some questions.

If it is immoral to have an abortion then isn't also immoral to shoot a bunch of strangers?

So no abortions and strict gun laws?

Since the 1980s abortions have been declining (some of this due to day after pills) and this begs the question-

Does anyone ever really want to get an abortion? 

From my personal experience, I answer this question with a solid unapologetic no. 

Is getting an abortion something I regret? None of your business.

Was the decision to terminate a pregnancy really hard to make? None of your business.

I am not pro-abortion, I am pro-choice. It is a personal choice.

The "funny" thing about all this is that many of these people who don't want you to terminate a pregnancy also don't want to wear a mask. 

Dummies.

Follow me into the desert , as thirsty as you are...

 For the past 28 years, I have had a crush on Seattle and the Pacific Northwest.

KEXP the indie radio station in Seattle celebrates 50 years of music programming and plays music from a year on Wednesdays. Today it was 1991. Dang! 

1991 was a good year for music and the same year I moved out on my own. I did not leave my great state of California, but I did travel north. Don't get me wrong I consider the Bay Area my home, but I have thought often about going farther north. Before I got my forever job, I applied every couple of months to jobs in the Seattle area. Every time I am there I play a soundtrack in my head- Sunny Day Real Estate, Taco Cat,  Soundgarden, Modest Mouse, Band of Horses, Gruntruck, Harvey Danger, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Mudhoney, Death Cab/Postal Service, and of course Nirvana and P. Jam. If we are driving then I will start my extended soundtrack in the Portland area with Heatmiser/Elliot Smith, Hazel, Dead Moon, Decemberists, and as we continue up I-5 Sleater-Kinney, Excuse 17, Bikini Kill, Godsheadsilo, Bratmobile, Quasi, and I could go on, but you get the idea.

None of these bands live in my favorite band category, but they do get honorable mentions because of their location. 

I am also way more aware of past, present, and future releases of labels from the PNW. SubPop, Barsuk, K, KRS, Hush Hush, Youth Riot, and so on. Years ago I made a conscious decision to invest in record labels. Explore their catalogs. Yep Roc, not out of the Seattle area, consistently puts out great records. FYI. Annnnnywho...

I spent a fair amount of time in the Seattle area in the 90s, some in the 00s, and multiple trips a year for the past 8 years.  So I know that I am not enamored of a town that no longer exists. Yes, there are places that are gone: Velvet Elvis, OK Hotel, the woman-owned burrito place by the Six Arms (which is still there, I think- LOVED that bar), Bop Records, and the really cool punk rock record store somewhere near the troll. With that being said I can still go to Vivace, Archie McPhees, and Cafe Flora. Plus there is always something new. I have also got to experience and enjoy other parts of the Seattle area (Ballard, West Seattle, Burien, White Center). A few years ago we spent a few days on Fox Island, which is in the southern part of the sound. So beautiful. We saw so many bald eagles. Fantastic. 

Maybe someday I will move up to the PNW. Perhaps that is where me and the husbando will retire to. Until then I will look forward to my visits.

To die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine.

Relationships.

Trust. Honesty. Respect. Negotiation. Compromise. These are just a few things to make a relationship "work," according to an article I read on the internet. I agree, sure.  But reading the article some other thoughts came to mind and I thought I would share them here.

Long haul partner type relationships I think often run into issues that can't be described with the one-word umbrella sections and maybe what "works" in 2012 might not work in 2022. People change or they don't. Interests. Priorities. Careers. General adult life stuff. These also play part in the LHR (long haul relationship, librarians love acronyms) and it is more complicated because these things can change the lens of honesty (etc) are looked through.  The "work" one does on themselves can often disrupt the lens's initial focus. I know abstract. Stay with me, I have some examples.

You get together with someone when you are in your mid 20s,  you both enjoy going out during the week and playing video games for hours on the weekend. You are now in your early 40s, have a job that keeps you from going out so much during the week, the doctor has told you to be more active, so instead of playing sport-type video games, you have started playing soccer on the weekends. Your partner still likes going out for happy hours and is happy to cheer you on the sidelines, but won't even walk on a treadmill.

There are probably deal breakers - the desire for children in particular that finish the LHP. Maybe a job opportunity that requires moving far away? I am sure there are plenty of others.

When you get into a LHP in your 50s, yes there is still work to be done to maintain a healthy relationship but what will be the challenges? 

So if one person in the relationship is "working" on themselves and the other doesn't feel the need. What do you do?

It is a circle question because the answer is "well, it depends on..." 

It depends on the relationship. The people. The circumstance.

How much do you care if your partner is engaged with you in your new interest? 

If you have decided to become a vegetarian or stop drinking booze, does it matter if the other in the relationship does the same?

I don't believe that people change that much, but they do modify behaviors, beliefs, and reactions.

I kinda got lost with this post. A little on purpose I think. 

Relationships take work and for a relationship to be "successful" is really in the eyes of the parties involved. The magazine article I read defined a "successful relationship" a certain way. One size does not fit all and if the relationship is LHP bound or already there the rules are constantly changing. 

I am not trying to sound callous about any of this- I love my LHP and we are a strong team. We know for the most part what works to keep us in the "successful" column. But priorities, outlooks, plans, and a whole bunch of other stuff have totally changed in the 600 years that we have been together. My takeaway after reading all of this over is that the article irritated me enough that I felt compelled to write a blog post.

Sunshine daydream. Walking through the tall trees. Going where the wind goes. Blooming like a red rose.

On Saturday one of my oldest and dearest friends got married. It was a very "normal" event after 2 years of Covid times. 

After just having a nice time being around people I came away from the event hopeful. There are a lot reasons these days to not feel hopeful. No need to get into this read the news. So celebrating the union of friends was a really nice change from the passed however long it has been, right? All right here we go-

First off, my friend deserves happiness. The past couple of years have been filled with a lot of sadness and I am so happy he has found someone who loves him for him and wants to be his LHP (long haul partner). Second, let's hear it for in-person events and wine! What!? Third, I really liked their approach to the vows. They wrote their own and they were so sincere and sweet. 

The location was really pretty. It had been drizzly for a good part of the day and had started to clear which made the surrounding landscape very green and bright.

There was no officiant, just the two of them standing looking at each other reading what they had wrote. 

It was a small affair and so I was able to meet many of the attendees that I didn't already know. 

There was a long table family style table where we all had dinner, I am digging big dining tables (and the chandelier, it was really cool) it was like something out of a movie.

I made a few of the music playlists for the event, which I enjoyed doing and I was glad to be asked to participate in the happy affair.

Overall, not too shabby of a Saturday.

This is a short post today, but an important one for me. Trying to be a writer is hard. I am my own worst enemy and it is much easier to write about things that are dark, negative, and sad, about loss, or onions and music.

Maybe it is because when one is feeling good there isn't the need to sit down and hash it out on the page. I mean have you listened to any of the music I have written and performed?

That is why I write this...Saturday was about love. Not unrequited.  Love loss or  "the one that got away." 

But celebrating love and new beginnings.

The bride said that she was going to love my friend "hard," and that has stuck with me.

 And I totally didn't cry, it was allergies.

When your world is full of strange arrangements and gravity won't pull you through...

Keeping up with new(maybe not new-new, but new to me) music is exhausting.

I listen to radio stations (KALX/KEXP), internet radio (Bagel Radio/Radio Box), read music sites (Brooklyn Vegan/Pitchfork), and peruse Bandcamp and Soundcloud. I like all kinds of music, but definitely have genres that I listen to more than others. 

I keep a list of bands/artists that I hear that I want to explore more in-depth on my phone. 

Here are just a few. Seriously, I think that I had about 65 artists on my list about 2 months ago.

SunnO))

Burning Witch

Dry Cleaning

Parquet Court

Idles

Japanese Breakfast

Bad Fruit

Bully

Goat Girl

Run the Jewels

Anthony Phillips

In the old'n days, I kept a list in my notebook which I kept in my bag.  When I would get to the record store I would pull out my list and start scouring the CDs and LPs. 

When we moved from the south to the north of California I paid a friend in records (punk records mostly) to haul away a bunch of our stuff and donated a bunch of records to my hairdresser's DJ booth.

I think when we moved we were about 100 records lighter. For the past 10 years,  I have been much more selective of the music that I purchase. Except for a few artists (X, John Doe, Residents, and a few others) who I will pre-order their materials I only buy records or CDs that I come across when I am at a record store/swap/garage sale/thrift store/etc.

I find going through records (index finger, middle finger, index finger middle finger) very meditative. 

Today I went to the record store by our house and picked up "Tonight" by David Bowie. His birthday is in a few days and it was in the discount bin.

It is always fun for me to pick out something that I didn't expect. I know one can purchase basically anything on the internet, but the surprise of discovery looking through inventory at the record store is really fun for me. 

I was actually looking for ABC "Lexington of Love" and "In Outer Space" by Sparks.

Maybe next time.